Early morning rambling

We have a white cat - Yuki.  We brought her home as a kitten after Lisa died.  She has been a joy and pain in the neck since then!  She wakes me up by scratching my bed anywhere between 4 and 7 am.  We tried locking her out of the bedroom but she yowls until we let her in.  Usually she wakes us aroung 5 when she wants to be brushed.  I brush her and play for a few minutes and then curl up on the couch and go back to sleep.  She curls up beside me.

If Joe wakes up, he will often get up and give me a morning sleep-in.  Today was one of those days.  Except I couldn't get back to sleep so he is back in bed.  I meditate a few times a week in the morning.  I am not a great meditator but I do feel centered when I do.  Today, I put on my relaxing music, lit my candle and settled to meditate.  I started to cry.  The tears flowed and I thought about Lisa.  How is it that here I am at 75years old and she has been gone for 11 years?  I felt immense sadness and longing.  Then I said what I often say "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  It has been my 'go to' since before I knew that the Serenity Prayer was used by AA.  Lisa knew I said that often and gave me gifts inscribed with it.  My most precious gift is a wee cushion cross stitched with it and signed "Love Lisa".  So I remembered it and cried some more.  I know I can't change what is, as much as I would love to!  I also know I have to live the best life I can.

I think Lisa knew on some level that she was not going to live to be old. She was preparing me for my future.  

I love my life, except for the hole in my heart.  I live for my precious Cevyn and her 4 year old girls.  The pandemic has clipped our wings for a bit but that is something I accept.  Joe and I are comfortable with our life and each other.  We have a house full of  memories - our walls are covered with paintings and photos of 53 years of life.

As a child, I was timid.   I was afraid of my own shadow.  However I always knew that I was different.  I joke about the fact that I came out of the womb wanting to go somewhere.  The first chance I got, I went to Fort Churchill, Manitoba. I was terrified but I knew I had to do it.    Some of my classmates went to Toronto.  I chose to go somwhere I had never been.  Fort Churchill is in the North, on the Hudson Bay.  It's claim to fame is polar bears.  It is on the migration route and they wander through town.  In fact one of my first tasks as a nurse was to remove about 200 stitches from a guy's scalp - he had been mauled.  I could not understand those who were happy staying put.  I still have dear friends who live in the same neighbourhood!  How lucky I was to find Joe - a kindred spirit.  His proposal was "Do you want to get married and go to Europe?"  How could a girl resist that romantic proposal?

So as I look back, I have a lot to smile about this early March morning.  I have seen and lived in different countries.  I wish Lisa had been able to travel like us.  I do know that she was happy for the fact that we were adventurous.  She loved that we took Cevyn on some of our trips.  She also loved her life in the country, raising chickens and helping the neighbour on the farm.  She said she was never going to move again.  And she didn't.  Her ashes are buried in the cemetary a mile up the road.