Early morning,exhausted and achy but very calm

Good morning journal,the time is 5:00am exactly.I have been awake for around twenty minutes,having bowed to our oldest dog Buttons repeated requests to go outside,I am finally at my desk with coffee in hand trying to shake off the last vestiges of sleep from my mind and body.I saw my doctor yesterday morning and he increased the dosage of my quetiapine/seroquel from 200mls per day to 300mls.He was concerned about my deteriorating mental health,and also my physical state.He examined me,mainly because I was very short of breath when I arrived in his office,but also because I am still losing weight,when he had completed his tests he informed me that I had lost a lot of muscle mass,and,as I had very little fat to begin with,that was the reason that I felt weak most of the time,and why I ached in my joints and remaining muscles.He used a term I have not heard before,atrophy,I'm not sure of what it means but I apparently have it,and it needs to be addressed,so that is where we're at medically.As I mentioned before,I was very short of breath when I arrived at my doctors office and he gave me time to recover before asking any questions,which I was extremely grateful for.I had made the decision earlier that morning to walk to my appointment,bad,bad move!. I live in an area of town called North Shore,my doctors office is in South Shore,and it is quite a distance.Before I became ill,I would have walked that far with no ill effects whatsoever in around an hour or so,yesterday it took me two hours stopping every thirty or forty meters to rest,with the result being that I made my appointment time with three minutes to spare and no time to recover from my exertions before seeing the doctor.On the plus side however,he said he will support my appeal for disabled living allowance scheduled for June 25th,and is preparing a letter for me which I can pick up from reception in a few days,one thing is for certain though,when I go to pick it up,I will most definitely NOT be walking!. He also told me that my COPD/ emphysema is seriously giving cause for concern and we may have to look at additional measures to try and relieve it,go for it doc,I'm willing to try anything you might come up with,I'm tired of wheezing like a busted boiler.This morning,I feel exhausted and I ache in places I didn't know aches were possible,but,it could be worse,I know from my time on this wonderful site of ours that there are many people in far more difficult circumstances than my own,so I am grateful that I only have to deal with my own ailments on a daily basis.He also asked about the voices that I hear and I told him that I can also see them as well at times,you know what he said?,"your really suffering aren't you?",well no shit Sherlock!,that's what I've been trying to tell you from the very beginning.Don't get me wrong,he's a terrific doctor and I'm grateful to be under his care,but people who know me could have told me I was suffering simply by using their eyes and ears,I just didn't expect a statement like that from the person I entrust my well being tohe's supposed to know things isn't he?. Anyway,the walk home was taken at a much slower pace and took almost three hours before I finally fell into the welcoming cushions of my trusty old armchair and I lasted until around 7:30pm before finally taking my night medication and tottering off to bed.I fell asleep almost instantly and slept deeply and dreamless until Buttons woke me this morning,as I sit here now,the time is 6:07am and the sun is already high in the sky,promising another fine day like yesterday.Either later today or tomorrow,I need to go to the pathology lab at the hospital to have more blood work done to see if the metformin I take for my diabetes is doing it's stuff or not,my blood sugar count has been through the roof of late and it would be nice,and one less cause for concern,to have it back in line again,I'm still very tired from my efforts of yesterday though so I think I'll recharge the old batteries some today and trot up there tomorrow,one day isn't going to make a helluva lot of difference.You know,whilst I was replenishing my supply of coffee,I read what I have written this morning,and I sound like a moaning old man with a grudge against the world and his dog and I am a little ashamed of myself,I have a lot of things to be grateful for,my wonderful wife,my kids,a great medical team,my growing tribe of grandchildren,and of course,lest we forget,I converse with two old testament prophets and the great grandmother of Israel's greatest king almost on a daily basis,what's not to like?. Finally,the times when I am able to breathe semi comfortably without help from any artificial aids,for however short a period,is something I treasure beyond price,although if I'm being totally honest,the times when I am able to do so is decreasing at an alarming rate. Am I getting worse?,yes without question,but COPD is progressive and ever increasingly debilitating,it's just a fact of life that I have to accept,the muscle loss?,that is something that perhaps we can arrest only time will tell.This morning,I am calm and in a peaceful place,and my faith in my Father in Heaven has never been stronger,so until next time journal,His will be done,and may His peace and love fill our home and our hearts in the day ahead.