Early morning,awake and alone with my thoughts

Good morning journal,the time is 7:36am,I have been awake since 5:00am,but have only just come to my chair.I slept very fitfully last night,as exhausted as I was,I couldn't settle,my mind was racing,and my mood one of restlessness and unease.My wife is very concerned about me and is looking for answers from me,at this present time I have no answers for myself let alone anybody else.It appears to those close to me that I am withdrawing from them,I really don't mean to,but all through my life if I've been worried or ill,I tend to isolate and look for solutions on my own.I was raised to believe that if you have a problem,fix it;it has taken me fifty eight years to discover that some problems just aren't fixable in a hurry,and other problems aren't repairable at all.I don't want to be like I am,I just can't help it,every good day I have I think,that's it,I've turned a corner here,then I have two bad days and I'm back to square one.It's a bit like living your life on a snakes and ladders board,one bad throw of the dice,and down the snake I go back to where I started.This morning I'm desperately tired and my lower back is on fire,my breathing isn't too bad now,but when I got out of bed at first,I had an awful lot of phlegm,and just couldn't clear my chest at all.As usual at times like this,I coughed so much in an attempt to clear my lungs,I was physically sick;I consider that to be a small price to pay for the relief I have now,well that and my trusty inhaler friend.Sitting here,I am on my second coffee of the day,our home is silent,even more so than usual because I have deliberately left my all singing,all dancing,digital bionic ears in their cases for now.It gives me time to think,time to try and arrange my jumbled thoughts into some semblance of order before I see my cognitive behavioral therapist this morning,at the moment,I am not having too much success in trying to think logically,my mind is like a freeway at rush hour.I am discovering that deafness can sometimes be an advantage,strange as that sounds,when you cannot hear the sounds of the world,it can be of benefit when you are trying to think without interruption.Later today I shall attempt to talk with my wife,I know she wants,and needs,answers,she deserves answers;she loves me with a passion,and my current physical and mental condition is slowly destroying her.I love her very much,but I don't know what to tell her,how can I when I don't know myself.I am very worried about our bills,our lack of income,the future at this time looks somewhat bleak,and my inability to work frustrates me beyond belief.Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day for us,we can only hope and pray for it to be so,till tomorrow then,peace be with us.