Erm...
Wow...ok so don't really know how to start this entry. I don't know what I'm feeling to be honest. I don't know, and yet at the same time it feels like the slightest thing would just make me emotionally 'crack'. I have so many mixed feelings going on right now. Earlier on (as in about 2 hours ago) I had the thought "Fuck this, I don't want to spend my life like this anymore. I WANT to go back to work, I WANT to live my life again." .........Now 2 hours later and I'm thinking "Fuck this, I just want to resort back into my eating disorder, self harm, depressed self. I don't want to fight it anymore, I want to act out on it."..................................... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!! ...........................................I've been feeling so mixed recently but this is just rediculous. When I was getting the positive thoughts I was just thinking...yeah, tomorrow I'm going to go into day patients and be like "I can do this, I can turn things around. I actually WANT to get better now!" I was feeling so motivated.........but it was all just FAKE! FAKE hope, FAKE belief, FAKE thinking!!! I can't lie myself into recovery! If I don't WANT to do it and don't believe I can I'm NEVER going to! I might as well just admit this is going to be my life and endulge in it!!!
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