Dying Phoenix

When will I learn? I am a smart girl. I am a phoenix. I play with fire but how many lives will I live, how many times will I return? Will I learn anything from my journey? Will I be reborn to make the same mistakes or will I find that I have used my last life in shame and vain?
I cannot accept fire as nature’s way of providing warmth. I am mesmerized by the flames. The colors the power it has. I get drawn to the heat, passion, the beauty of the flickering sparks. It fuels my soul. The excitement of how dangerous it can be if not contained and managed under a controlled environment. I can’t let it be. I add logs to it so that it becomes bigger than me. I must let it free!
Out of control, the heat unbearable, the inferno blazing, crackling, hissing to run every direction it can seem to go. It destroys everything in its path to only leave chars of black soot and crumbling remains of what use to be. The smoke billows and suffocates me as I am enraptured by the sexiness seduction of its ways. I cannot see what lies ahead, but I wait for it. I wait for the destruction; the end. Until then the smothering remains of what once was so cherished and loved will die out. No more flames, no more smoke, no more heat, nothing. Nothing living, not even the fire itself. The black ashes lay. They will blow away in time. The wind will carry the dust in a million directions. It is then I will be reborn. Free to spread my wings. The question is how long will I fly and when will I add more fuel and start another spark? Only when the cold is unbearable and I long for the fire again. When the loneliness, bitterness, and my heart has grown cold will I seek the fire, knowing very well, in time I will destroy what I have grown to love once again. Pretending that it has never happened in the past, pretending that I didn’t know it was going to happen again, even lying to myself that I would be more diligent and take care of it and me. The gift of the phoenix is to fly but, what good is it when her wings never take her to the end of her journey. Lessons never learned but a bit of her soul taken, and burned.

Replies

1Patriciann
1Patriciann

There is much growth and rebirth of what we once thought was beyond us. We become weary and it dims our vision.

Rest and releasing is good. Renewal can come from this.

Gentle ((hugs))

:-) Patricia
abjure
abjure

I\'m lost for words. The pain is creeping up from my heart to my throat and I feel as if I can not breath. I am a fool.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Be kind to yourself.
You will not feel like this forever.
You know you need some time out and for things to become calm.
New experiences can be different.
Nurture yourself at this time, so you can find the healing you need.
Sending You comforting (((Hugs)))
deleted_user
deleted_user

This Phoenix will be reborn, bring new light to the earth, and quench the darkness around her with her brilliant, purifying fire. The dragons in your life will be defeated; it is only a matter of time.
abjure
abjure

I am a dragon...my Chinese Zodiac is the mythical dragon. So I fight the same fight, internally by myself. A battle that is constant and never ending.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am envious. Bruce Lee\'s zodiac was a dragon too. I am a horse. What I meant is in mythology phoenix was enemy of dragon. This is very deep discussion. BTW, how do dragons and horses get along? :p
1Patriciann
1Patriciann

Sending you good thought energy for healing.

:-) Patricia
abjure
abjure

Darknight7 I am a Dragon/Yang/Fire...This is why I am in turmoil with myself and who I am. I live with a constant spark a flame that will not die. It can be very energetic or very destructive. You too are Yang/Fire it is these reasons alone that people who are classified within the comic force are strong willed but have many trepidations of life and its journey.

LOL just so you know the Dragon always kills everything in its path. One may only look and be memorized by its beauty.
deleted_user
deleted_user

So awesome and interesting! I need to do more research on The year of the Horse, what little I do know rings true of myself :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

*Returns from a little study* Woah, L, you sure know your Chinese Zodiac! I didn\'t even know I was Yang/Fire. Birds of a feather I guess *High Five*

The Bing Fire Day Master personality in a nutshell is passionate, energetic and vibrant. You are benevolent, giving and always looking at the bright side of things. Being a positive ray of sunshine is your natural calling!