dying =\'[
my friends mom is dying ='[ i can't help 2 feel helpless right now cause im not able 2 help him he's angry i can tell && he's trying to vent it some how && it was almost on me i had sent him a message with the title j,,,,,,,,,YOUR MOMA [[jk]] on myspace && when he answered it he was all pissy bout it but it wasnt like i knew his mom was dying && did it on purpose 2 fuck with him but when he told me she was dying i burst out crying horribly which was a lil strange for me cause i didnt know her at all but i like 2 think that i did because i love her plainly cause she loves him && he loves her but im just hurting inside horribly && i don't know how 2 deal with it othre than crying which has been going on && off at the moment i just need some help with all this cause i've never had a friend that lost a parent i've had a friends who lost 1 of her best friends but tht was diff. cause i didn't have much of a tie to him but i just need some1 2 talk 2 right now.........
Replies
I have been a hospice volunteer for more than 20 years, and have also experienced the death of both of my parents, sister and many friends. So, all that being said I can understand where you are at, as well as your friend. Anger is a normal reaction, and particularly with men who are not used to expressing their emotions. Men also feel like they need to FIX THINGS, so I am sure he is feeling helpless in many ways. Not knowing how to manage deal or understand his emotions, and feeling inadequate because he can\'t help his mother. And there may be other issues here, unfinished business etc. that impact the situation further. As his friend, you can help him. Just by being there, listening and yes letting him vent. It isn\'t personal towards you at all, and that is what you have to understand. This is tough stuff for him to deal with and his anger and other emotions have to go somewhere, so if you can just let him spew. Allow him that, with impunity, and he will be forever grateful.
I think your emotions too are very normal. We may often cry about someone we know very little. Sort of like how we can cry during a sad part of a movie. It has a lot to do with our own fears, perhaps in this case about death and your mortality, or your parents\' or just the simple reality we are all only here a little while. It\'s also about being human, so you should honor it, and allow yourself as well to feel whatever it is you are feeling.
Often we run the other way when our friends are going through something like this, and usually it is because we don\'t know what to do. But even if you don\'t stick with him. Just let him know you are there if he needs to vent, kick, scream, cry etc. You may not realize it now, but that is a tremendous gift you are giving him by opening the door for him.
I am not sure of the circumstances of her dying, but I would encourage him to spend as much time with her as possible. Say the things he wants to that he may not have before to her. Reminisce about fun times too. There is much to learn about life by being with the dying. Yes it is scary, but partly because we often pull away from it.
After having been in the situation so much I realize what a valuable \"lesson\" about life each of my patients offer.
Sure your friend might be scared and find it tough to be around his mother, but look at it this way \"Who has the tougher battle here?\" Him or his mother?
Whatever you choose to do, I hope you don\'t run away from this experience rather jump right in the middle of it, emotions and all. You will find it to be one of the most gratifying experiences too. Death is inevitable for all of us and it is a normal, natural part of our existence. I feel the more you are around it the better it prepares you for situations closer to home.
There are lots of good books out there too. Anything by Elisabeth Kubler Ross will provide lots of insights into this process for everyone involved.
Take care of yourself, and I hope this turns out to be a cherished experienced, rather than a devastating one.
Best,
Jill
If you want to talk I\'m here. I know what it\'s like to have friends who\'ve lost parents and I almost lost my dad. I even had to watch him almost die aged just 3 years old and couldnt do anything about it and I still remember it all really clearly 12 years later. It\'s not nice to lose anyone but I guess parents are the worst thing to lose.
If you want to talk about it I\'m here though. *hugs*