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I feel absolutely awful. I'd like to blame it on that thing that happens to ladies once a month, but I know it's more than that.
My oldest sister found out about me having trich while I was staying with her a few weeks ago. She told me I needed to go back to therapy, which is something financially I cannot do. I really wouldn't mind going back. I don't necessarily want to, but I would do it if I had the means. She texted me today and asked if I had seen anyone. And I don't know why, but I lost it. I just fucking lost it.
I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the shower and the radio as high as it would go and started bawling. I was screaming into a towel. Then I thought maybe if I just got in the shower I would calm down. It only made it harder to muffle my screams. No matter what I did, what I thought of I could not stop crying. And of course, my mind went to Bobby for some reason. I just kept muttering: i miss him so much, i miss him so much, i miss him so much. I don't know why. And stupidly, I grabbed a razor. I thought of the two years, 5 months and 3 days that separated me from my last cut. what the fuck does it matter? I thought. why the fuck does all that time matter? it's nothing. just days added up. it's nothing. But in the end I told myself to put the razor down.
Sometimes I feel like I am two different people. One is determined, outspoken, talented, a pure joy. And the other one wants to kill her. She tells the other one that she'll never amount to anything. That she's worthless and it doesn't matter if she cuts herself. It doesn't matter if she dies. She hasn't left a mark and she never will. She's forgettable. She's average. She's nothing. And you have no idea how hard it is for the bright one to say, "no." no, she says as she lets a tear roll down her flushed cheek.
I feel so alone. I have so many people in my life, great friends and two sisters who love me. But I feel like I can't talk to any of them. I can't bring myself to admit how weak I've been. I can't ask anyone to be strong for me. That's so unfair.
I did text Cassidy telling her that I missed her. She didn't respond. She still hasn't. I guess her silence said enough.
Tomorrow I'm going to the fair with Kelsi and her mom. I really don't want to. I want to go to the river and smoke by myself. But, alas, I promised. I guess that means I should probably get to sleep.
Tchaio.
My oldest sister found out about me having trich while I was staying with her a few weeks ago. She told me I needed to go back to therapy, which is something financially I cannot do. I really wouldn't mind going back. I don't necessarily want to, but I would do it if I had the means. She texted me today and asked if I had seen anyone. And I don't know why, but I lost it. I just fucking lost it.
I locked myself in the bathroom, turned on the shower and the radio as high as it would go and started bawling. I was screaming into a towel. Then I thought maybe if I just got in the shower I would calm down. It only made it harder to muffle my screams. No matter what I did, what I thought of I could not stop crying. And of course, my mind went to Bobby for some reason. I just kept muttering: i miss him so much, i miss him so much, i miss him so much. I don't know why. And stupidly, I grabbed a razor. I thought of the two years, 5 months and 3 days that separated me from my last cut. what the fuck does it matter? I thought. why the fuck does all that time matter? it's nothing. just days added up. it's nothing. But in the end I told myself to put the razor down.
Sometimes I feel like I am two different people. One is determined, outspoken, talented, a pure joy. And the other one wants to kill her. She tells the other one that she'll never amount to anything. That she's worthless and it doesn't matter if she cuts herself. It doesn't matter if she dies. She hasn't left a mark and she never will. She's forgettable. She's average. She's nothing. And you have no idea how hard it is for the bright one to say, "no." no, she says as she lets a tear roll down her flushed cheek.
I feel so alone. I have so many people in my life, great friends and two sisters who love me. But I feel like I can't talk to any of them. I can't bring myself to admit how weak I've been. I can't ask anyone to be strong for me. That's so unfair.
I did text Cassidy telling her that I missed her. She didn't respond. She still hasn't. I guess her silence said enough.
Tomorrow I'm going to the fair with Kelsi and her mom. I really don't want to. I want to go to the river and smoke by myself. But, alas, I promised. I guess that means I should probably get to sleep.
Tchaio.
Replies
Dear Hailey, Don\'t be so hard on yourself. Listen to the talented and outspoken person you truly are. You could have cut, but you didn\'t. That tells me that you are a whole lot stronger than you give your self credit for. Coming forward and telling family and friends that you truly need their help doesn\'t make you weak. Again it makes you strong. Please don\'t give up or give in. You are a fighter and a wonderful friend. I am blessed to know you and you should realize by now that you are special in the eyes of so many including me. Don\'t ever forget that ok. Love and Hugs, Chris
I agree with the above reply. Asking for help isn\'t a sign of weakness, it\'s a sign of strength and courage! You admit you have a problem. You admit you are a human being. We all have problems and we all make mistakes.
You could have cut but you didn\'t! That took courage! There is nothing wrong with being average. You are only 19 and you have your whole life to work toward leaving your mark on the world. You have potential! All you need to do is set some realistic goals and make a plan to work toward achieving those goals, one small step at a time! One day at a time!
God Bless