Drowning
Happy Friday or is it? I say that, wanting to mean it, but in all reality I feel like I am drowning in a sea of emotions. How can it be that it's almost 5 years that I have touched, hugged, argued, looked at, listened to, my Jennifer? How can it F$*&% be?? My mind is consumed of nothing else. I pray, I read, I get busy, I'm doing what I need to do, work, listen to the endless words of my husband, listen to my friends complain how busy they are because they are having so many people over for Thanksgiving......SIGH.....when I all I can do is remember what that week was like 5 years ago.........the thoughts, the "if onlys" have me today and yesterday and the day before that...no relief from my mind this year.....5 years.................at times I feel like I have made a turning point if you will - my emotions aren't so intense, I don't feel the black cloud of sadness over me every minute; this journey is such a twisting turning road and I just want to get off of it and go another direction......it's not possible, is it? My heart is forever longing for Jennifer.......
Hunter is struggling again - he will be 18 December 2 and it is freaking him out. He has no idea what he wants to do. This past week, he said, I have found out I love music but just don't know what I want to do with that. He is not a school kid - college, even though he is going, he is barely getting by.....he just doesn't see the point to it.....he makes alot of jokes about being homeless and how he could survive.....he makes jokes, I know to cover up his feelings because it's scary to be vulnerable.....oh how I wish his mom was here....she would know how to talk to him and how to ease his anxiety....I try, but I feel so inept sometimes with my words or my teary eyes that I wish wouldn't show up sometimes.......Jennifer wanted to talk with Hunter that 1st night in the hospital and it was late and I said, how about in the morning - she said "NO", I don't want him to fret".....we called and she talked to him....I don't think I ever knew Hunter "fretted" until then and now I see it.....DAMMIT, JENNIFER, COME BACK - YOUR SON NEEDS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trying not feel sorry for myself - my mom used to say, it's the devils' workshop if you do that - I'm trying to be thankful and grateful for what I do have.......
I have a week off work next week - I need it....going to Libby's house for Thanksgiving. Jim & I usually go to Arizona but this year I can't....don't have the energy.....I'll see Hunter this week several times so that will be my highlight.
Thanks for listening to me ramble - Hugs and love to y'all. Always, Jennifer's mom
Replies
I hear you. My heart hurts for you. Hunter was about the same age as Cevyn was when Lisa died. It is a tough road for them to lose their moms at such a vulnerable age. I too have called out to Lisa, asking her why she had to leave. It just bloody well sucks.
Cevyn could use her mom still. Her stepmom is not a great replacement, though others think she is. I am too far away to be much help.
Please just be kind to yourself. I know Hunter appreciates you. But it is so hard to be mourning Jennifer and caring for Hunter. Do what you need to do with your week off.
Angelversaries and holidays are the worst. We think about the past and what might have been.
Tight hugs. Love to Jennifer and her mom from Lisa and her mom
I don't think it matters how many years go by. We will always grieve, cry, scream and do not understand why us. What I have learned it's ok to not be ok. It sounds like you are trying so hard to go through daily activities of life but my therapist reminds me if all you can do in one breathe it's ok. Grieving never ends even some think it's time to move on. That is a bunch of hogwash. We will always grieve and some days are more intense than others. The pain is always pulling at our heartstrings
Somehow it didn't send the whole reply? Damn computers! Anyway I will finish now. Just ride with your emotions and feel them. Do what you have to do! Embrace who you are! Sorry your grandson is hurting. So hard to watch. This time of year is so hard also. The emotions seem to become more intense.
Love and hugs, Joan and Brandon xoxo
Hugs and prayers. Just know you’re not alone.
Terri
My heart hears your heart as we grieve and also hold onto our blessings. Not an "either/or" yet, a "both and" way of looking at all the contradictions of this life we are living now. How to create space for both and so wishing that we didn't have to. I read an author referring to it as both the "dark meat and white meat" on the same fork and that's a visual I get.
Be kind to that loving heart of yours as the fifth angel day comes upon you and I wish too that Jennifer was earth side to guide Hunter. You are doing your best with him that you can and yes, it's not Jennifer, his mom and that hurts terribly.
I'm glad you will have the week off and are doing what feels best for you for this year.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart and hold on with both hands and sometimes both feet are needed too. I'm with you and caring dearest Vicki.
With love to Jennifer's mom from Douglas and me.
XO Joanie
I am so sorry for all that this road can entail.. each year, I think that this will be the year that is easier. Nope. I too, wish our kids were here to help their kids through all the angst..sigh
I am lifting us all up this holiday season..❤️
Oh Vicki, it's so hard. I understand. I find the milestone angelversary dates especially difficult. 5 years...I'm so sorry.
Jennifer knew her son so well, didn't she? I feel as you described with my grandchildren. I feel so inept sometimes and I know they want their Dad but I also know that they do appreciate my support as I'm sure Hunter does & I believe us grandmothers do make a difference.
I will keep you in my prayers at this tender time. Be gentle with yourself. You have a right to all these feelings. It's all part of this journey.
Lots of love to you and dearest Jennifer, Linda ♡
The milestones, the holidays, the anxieties of life and worries for our loved ones still earth side....it can be overwhelming! I hear your sweet heart crying, and I cry with you my friend.
I too was raised in a house where feeling sorry for yourself was a very bad thing. Doesn't that just add another layer of guilt? I am trying to give myself permission to feel sorry for myself because that means I am feeling something, anything. I so get the drowning. I too describe my state as drowning often and mean it. I am staring at the 6 year mark. Yet it was only yesterday and today and tomorrow... how can that be?
Jason's daughter just turned 13. She had just turned 7 when he died. I have not been allowed to see her since his death. I think about a 13 year old with a very unstable mother and think of how desperately any teenager would need a father who would provide stability. And the tears flow...
Jennifer, you are so not alone. Your words paint a very accurate picture for me too.
Love your heart, Merrilee