Driving 12/22/17

Today is emotional for me. Last night was really hard, but it shed some light on really how damaged my life can be. I expect most people to take me wrong, to not give me a chance. Its not fair, but it’s true and I take that mostly from experience. But last night, I was trying to be without the negativity at the start of an argument, and because I couldn’t express that I was trying to start in a different place the conversation started at an argument. It hurt that it was him who expected me to act as a negative person.

I knew it was bad, I knew that people don’t always understand me. I knew that the negativity and self-hate were controlling my life a lot more than I would like. I mean, I try on a daily basis to fight against thinking about myself as worthless or stupid or unimportant. I have been trying to be more helpful in my conversations because I realize that one of the first things I do is I snap, which just ends the conversation and perpetuates the existence of the ‘voice’ telling me that I am not worth talking to anyone, or having an opinion because no one wants to listen to me. (Most of this happens in my head). Hell, I have even had the realization that I am the reason that I am stuck. That I must be more of an active part in my life. In therapy yesterday, I shared this website with her, and my journal posts, and my sort of pride in being able to show my own progress with realizations that I make in my writing here. So last night it hurt that I couldn’t even show enough change or have anyone actually realize that I am trying to change. Yes, my physical reaction is going to be hard to change, it has become so ingrained into my behavior, and especially at home, I should be able to share that right that moment I might be having a hard time, but right then is also when I need to be able to remind myself that just because I make a mistake does not mean that I am horrible, or dumb, or too dangerous to be around. It has to turn into a reminder that I am the driver in my life, that I have an opinion, that I have that aren’t negative or self-consuming, and a voice to express myself. And I have to remember that I have to think about what I say and pay attention to the world around me.

One last note before I end this post. Merry Christmas. It may not be the best time of year for any of us. It is emotionally charged, and can be depressing if we are stuck in ourselves. I know that this year I have been incapable of being outside of myself, but now is the best time for anyone to get out of themselves, and to witness the kindness that other people are capable of. This year is going to be over, and who knows how much of it I have actually missed, but not anymore.