Dreams are flushed away

Having to look into filing for disability now. Wearing a heart monitor due to chest pains. (Evidently they are caused by more than just stress and heartbreak because it has already detected an abnormality 5 times in less than two weeks. Going to see another counselor tomorrow, I am afraid to go to the counselor because when I am in counseling it gets worse as far as the depression. My miscarriage/ infertility counselor says that grief is like a dam breaking, which starts as a crack with leaks- many people give up at that point, then more water starts to come in many more people give up then, then it floods and you feel like you are drowning. Supposedly you have to stay with the drowning sea of pain to heal. She says my feelings of resentment/ hate towards pregnant women that got pregnant easily and were not even ready to have kids or have new babies is normal and a symptom of grief. It feels awful though I have to leave the room all the time because cruel word vomit threatens to spill out ...I didn't tell my husband, but we had sex on one of my fertile days so I could be pregnant again this month but it's doubtful my tests have all been negative since my third miscarriage in May and possibly a chemical pregnancy last month.