The last week or so i have been having these weird mundane dreams that seem real yet are nothing like my life.
I normally have not very exciting dreams anyway, and i usually know i am asleep. If i have a dream where i am talking to someone or reading, I dont remember later what eas said.
Lately tho i am dreaming so realistically that when I am awake I get confused what was a dream and what really happened. This is unsettling. It is like my unconscious mind notices things I dont and is making predictions about things in the future.
Last week my boyfriend mentioned that he was going to call our trash service and ask for recycling pickup too. Right before that i had a dream that we did that but they sent us our bill early because we changed service type. When i actually had the conversation with him i got confused suddenly and shouted no then we will get charged! He was like no i think recycling is free... It was a little embarrassing.
Then i had some dreams recently about old memories from a friend in highschool. I got out my yearbook and things seemed different than I remember. Then out of nowhere Tuesday she sent me a text. I hadn't talked to her in years. She had apparently called my work looking for me. Idk why or if anything is wrong, since after i texted back i haven't heard from my old friend again. Honestly the whole thing seems strange and i have to keep checking in my phone to see the text she sent to believe it happened. Everything lately just seems dream like and I am exhausted. For about a week now i have not slept well due to pain.
On top of that I have been getting up 2 hours earlier than normal to go for therapy and chiropractic care for my shoulder that has been busted for 2 years now. Good news is it is helping. Bad news is I feel exhausted while I am healing. I wonder if lack of sleep is what is making me more mentally fogged. I also feel extremely irritable. I just want to scream every time someone talks to me because i know they are going to ask me for something. I haven't been taking my vitamins because i was on meds for an infection and i was afraid they would interfere with one another. I'm going back on them tomorrow.
I haven't had caffeine for over a month. In many ways I feel better but mentally I just feel exhausted and miserable. I have some amino acid powder at home I may start taking with protein in the morning since I dont have time or a morning appetite for food.
I had the most disturbing dream last night. It was about my ex. It was very confusing. It was like he was really there, solid to the touch. But he wasn't himself. He seemed really happy and forgiving and positive. He wanted me to forgive him. My alarm went off and it was like i looked thru a doorway and saw my current bf. Then i woke up. I have been shaken all day.
The first thing I thought was that my ex must've died and his spirit was visiting me. So I combed through his hometown newspaper obits this morning. Nothing.
All day I have his voice in my head and remember angry conversations we had. I feel so miserable and unhappy, just like I am back 3years ago with him. I find myself further scrutinizing and agonizing over every detail of our lives again, looking for answers. He might as well be dead to me, and like with most deaths i got no closure. His memory is like a cursed ghost following me. I hate how his words even now make me question and question myself, other people, and my bf now. I now know he was a sociopath but I still feel cursed. I still hate myself. I still feel like I have never truly been free, that my life is stuck.
So I continue to dream my boring lifeless dreams, and when I wake up I dread the day. I hope I get some rest soon. I hope soon i stop questioning my life and sanity. I wish I could find hope. I wish I could be healthy and pretty again and stop wasting my life.