dreaming
Ok, it sounds crazy. But when i was pregnant i had a dream where i gave birth to triplets, (it was before i knew Sophia was a girl), and In my dream they handed me one baby, and said all they could find of the second baby was the bottom half of his body, it was bloody or anything, i think he just didn't grow right... anyway, i knew there was another baby at a different hospital and i went out to find him. Skipping all the other stuff.... basically there were all kinds of other babies there like that kid from the grudge and all kinds of bad stuff. But, they gave me my son and he was dead. Then just the other night i had a dream that Sophia was a twin, and that I had her sister before her and she was here and healthy with my boyfriend, but I was totally ignoring her because I was so sad that Sophia was dead. Cuz the other twin was born like a few months before Sophia.
I don't understand these dreams, and it's making me so depressed lately. If i don't take nyquil or benadryl or a few shots before bed i lie awake all night and think about horrible things. I think about Sophia and wonder why she died until i cry cuz i feel so guilty. I'm waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. I'm always jumpy and scared and everytime my boyfriend goes outside i think he's going to get hit by a car or killed or something awful. It's the same thing with my mom, I'm scared she'll have another siezure and die. It's making me crazy.
I thought i was pregnant twice this month, maybe that's why i had the most recent twin dream, maybe i want my baby back so bad i subconsciously convinced myself that i'm pregnant, and the twin in the dream is like Sophia coming back a second time. I was so disappointed and relieved when i saw the pregnancy test was negative. I want a baby so so so bad 50% of the time, mostly at night or when I'm thinking about what a good dad my bf would be. The rest of the time I'm terrified that it will happen again, and I know that would literally kill me. I would go crazy if i lost another baby. So... i want a baby so bad it hurts me all day. But I'm so scared that i can't even let myself fantasize about what it would be like. I think i'm just a little messed up in the head.
I don't understand these dreams, and it's making me so depressed lately. If i don't take nyquil or benadryl or a few shots before bed i lie awake all night and think about horrible things. I think about Sophia and wonder why she died until i cry cuz i feel so guilty. I'm waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. I'm always jumpy and scared and everytime my boyfriend goes outside i think he's going to get hit by a car or killed or something awful. It's the same thing with my mom, I'm scared she'll have another siezure and die. It's making me crazy.
I thought i was pregnant twice this month, maybe that's why i had the most recent twin dream, maybe i want my baby back so bad i subconsciously convinced myself that i'm pregnant, and the twin in the dream is like Sophia coming back a second time. I was so disappointed and relieved when i saw the pregnancy test was negative. I want a baby so so so bad 50% of the time, mostly at night or when I'm thinking about what a good dad my bf would be. The rest of the time I'm terrified that it will happen again, and I know that would literally kill me. I would go crazy if i lost another baby. So... i want a baby so bad it hurts me all day. But I'm so scared that i can't even let myself fantasize about what it would be like. I think i'm just a little messed up in the head.
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I am also terrified my loved ones will die. It makes me crazy as well. I have them check in a few times a day because I get so worried something bad will happen.
You are by no means messed up in your head. Some days I really really want a baby so much but then others days the thought of loosing another one terrifies me to pieces. I have only recently, in the last week, started to fantasize about having another baby but I have so much guilt. But I\'m able to and I am sure you will be able to get some joy about thinking of another baby one day. Because of loosing Ty my fantasies are very different now then they were with him. There more morbid, I think about what we would do if the baby died, the pictures we would take, the clothes the baby would wear, not necessarily happy thoughts but it is hard to think about happy thoughts. I think I would loose it if I lost another baby as well. But you are not crazy, we all feel like this. Hugs