Dreaming

This morning as I sit here I am thinking about the dream I had last night.  Don't remember all of it but in the dream I was with a lot of people.  I dreamt of meeting the wife of a person I had an online affair with a few years ago.  I met her and the husband I had the affair with as well.  It is disturbing for me to ask why I dreamt that dream.  The wife I met in the dream has since committed suicide very soon after her son committed suicide.  So here is a man who's son died and wife died. HMMMMMM.  In the dream I have this sense that I wanted to ask for forgivness for having the affair with her husband even tho I do not think she knew while alive.  Or maybe she did know.  I will never know that truth of her knowing.  I felt in the dream I had this urgent need to tell her I was sorry for what I had done. I sit here and feel the tears welling up inside of me  about this dream.  Now when I look back at this person, Dave that I had the online affair with, I realized he was all about himself. While the affair was going on I showed my therapist some of the things he wrote.  His last message to me, I showed my therapist and she said he was a narcissistic.   If that is true I am not suprised that I would be attractive to a narcissistic person.  I would think as a child all the people in my family especially my abusers had that trait, it was all about them and I did not matter. I never really mattered to anyone as a child.  Just another foster kid to get that paycheck at the end of the month.  Just another child to spew all their anger and evil and hatred towards.  I am still sitting here wondering why this dream.  What message was it telling me maybe about my life up until this point or the need maybe to still be special in the life of the men I had acted out with.  I don't know any of these answers NOW, but as I have seen the answers to my queries will eventually appear either in another dream or by my reading something or even writing here in my journal.  So many questions, so many answers, and lessons still to learn.  I do appreciate my dreams tho they are the gateway to learning so much about my past which many of it is still a blur but also my dreams are what reality was for me as a child and also the reality of my childhood.  I could say that I still feel a lot of guilt of how I acted out with other men.  There was such desperation in my seeking that man who would love me for me.  It never happened.  But I looked and looked just like a little girl would be lost looking for her parents.  Just someone out there love me, I have no one.  Today I will spend time with Little Jeanette nuturing her soul.  I have a teddy bear I have named Little Jeanette, she will get some hugs today and some gentle good self talk. Maybe a ride out in the country where the trees are blooming and flowers are budding and take my sketch book and draw.  Drawing is soooooooo nuturing to my soul.  There i will find my joy, my passion.So off I go to enjoy this day, to nuture my soul and to once again find a little more information on who I am and what moves me.