Dreaming
Another trigger for me seems to be dreaming, literally dreaming while I am sleeping, about winning or even finding money. I have to recognize that these are probably the result of my thoughts and actions during the day when I am awake for so many years, and not a "sign" or anything silly like that. So I should hope that the more space and distance I put between myself and this sickness the less I will dream about quick and easy money - because it just doesn't exist!
Two other things I find myself constantly preoccupied with are happiness and career, partially linked of course. I am terribly unhappy with work lately and it is affecting my whole attitude, my happiness in every other area of life too. Its like a midlife crisis. I have been done university for 10 years, and I dont feel as if I have ever made a salary worthy of a university graduate. I am over 30 years old and I have never made more money than I will make this year, and yet I am unhappy with that rather than happy about it. It is rather depressing. Without divulging exact amounts, to put it in equal terms, I was offered a job out of University as a McDonalds manager, and I would have been making slightly less than what I am making more. I turned it down because it wasn't what I wanted to do, and yet Ive never been able to do what I want to do, or figure out what that even is, and as a result I have averaged far less than if I had just worked full time at a job like that, in a Mcdonalds restaurant for the last 10 years... My life is just full of regret and disappoinment.
When i started teaching college about 18 months ago, I was super happy and finally thought I had figured out what I wanted to do. Now that has changed completely, I feel I am underpaid and unappreciated, I dont get the respect I felt I had found when I first started, I am no longer proud of the company I work for (bc of recent mgmt changes) and I have no financial stability or job security bc the classes constantly fluctuate. To top it off they transferred me to a farther school and I now have to pay more for gas to get to work and it takes an extra 90 minutes a day for me just to get to and from work!
Is happiness a decision? Is my career the result of my choices or lack thereof? And if I cant choose my career can I still choose to be happy? Its certainly a vicious cycle... just like gambling, I gamble bc I am unhappy and I am unhappy bc I gamble! I have read so many self help books and success books, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Magic of Thinking Big, 4 Hour work week etc etc All it seems to do is make me dream and then feel disappointment when I dont achieve anything....
Here's to one more day without gambling at least!!
Two other things I find myself constantly preoccupied with are happiness and career, partially linked of course. I am terribly unhappy with work lately and it is affecting my whole attitude, my happiness in every other area of life too. Its like a midlife crisis. I have been done university for 10 years, and I dont feel as if I have ever made a salary worthy of a university graduate. I am over 30 years old and I have never made more money than I will make this year, and yet I am unhappy with that rather than happy about it. It is rather depressing. Without divulging exact amounts, to put it in equal terms, I was offered a job out of University as a McDonalds manager, and I would have been making slightly less than what I am making more. I turned it down because it wasn't what I wanted to do, and yet Ive never been able to do what I want to do, or figure out what that even is, and as a result I have averaged far less than if I had just worked full time at a job like that, in a Mcdonalds restaurant for the last 10 years... My life is just full of regret and disappoinment.
When i started teaching college about 18 months ago, I was super happy and finally thought I had figured out what I wanted to do. Now that has changed completely, I feel I am underpaid and unappreciated, I dont get the respect I felt I had found when I first started, I am no longer proud of the company I work for (bc of recent mgmt changes) and I have no financial stability or job security bc the classes constantly fluctuate. To top it off they transferred me to a farther school and I now have to pay more for gas to get to work and it takes an extra 90 minutes a day for me just to get to and from work!
Is happiness a decision? Is my career the result of my choices or lack thereof? And if I cant choose my career can I still choose to be happy? Its certainly a vicious cycle... just like gambling, I gamble bc I am unhappy and I am unhappy bc I gamble! I have read so many self help books and success books, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Magic of Thinking Big, 4 Hour work week etc etc All it seems to do is make me dream and then feel disappointment when I dont achieve anything....
Here's to one more day without gambling at least!!
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