dream of not killing (innocence)

in response to my nightmare of the night before last, and my subsequent daylong pleas for guidance in how to proceed with current 'affairs' of my life, this morning I dreamt what I consider to be a reply of solace.

 

to recap from the point of the nightmare - specifics are not remembered- but that horrible unsettling quality remained (the nagging that nightmares are - meant to alert the dreamer to a 'problem' in spirit or mind or body). The dream itself involved a variety of sizes of dogs that were being treated by (2) vet's. One doctor was apparently "good", with the animals best interest at heart, while the other was really a demon in disguise, doing bad things to the helpless & trusting animal. If it wasn't dead, it was returned unconscious or 'corrupted' from it's beautiful, natural, original state.

And that's all I remember. 

 

But the sorrow of having trust betrayed, stayed with me from waking through the entire day. Unrelated events seemed to supply only choices I could be unhappy with. Sources I routinely looked to for comfort (like music or prayer) seemed to merely compound distrust...I could only see what was lacking in my faith, in my behavior, and that left me in utter despair. Before laying down to sleep last night, I again wept deeply to God, to my angels, for guidance.  

 

And the dream this morning, seemed to initially bring the same disquietude; it involved a building - a school or a multi leveled habitat of some sort - with a number of individuals (all myself in some way or another - or all with me internalized - to the point where I could see from within each one) and animals. Little animals - cats, birds, fish...

It came to my awareness (to "our" awareness), in rumor alone (not a formal mandate, if that could have made it better), that certain animals were marred, that they were imperfect or perhaps not destined for a 'normal' life or lifespan, & somehow the idea was put in place that they must be euthanized - "for the sake of the animal" - out of 'mercy'- and to prevent 'unnecessary suffering'.

And the mind machinery was put into place that this unfortunate task must be initiated. And though in the dream, it never actually got to the point where we 'put down' an animal, that mechanized, step by step awareness, of pinpointing EACH unique specimen in our care destined for this unfortunate outcome, carried it's own brand of cold, calculating horror. 

 

In a final image, a blue bird  - a blue deeper and more beautiful than any I remember  in real life - was being cradled at my/our breasts. Deemed 'imperfect - unhealthy' -  and hence marked for annihilation, the connection that this was a dream answering a dream suddenly dawned on me. I realized, in that way truth rings, that the "fear and the doubt" I had surrounded myself with a day before, to the cold and calculating actions I was imagining I must put forth in my own waking life- actions to protect myself from pain - the very fact of praying in fear alone and doubting it's outcome - were like we, the creatures and me, in my dream, doomed unrelentingly, needlessly, HOPELESSLY - in a plan that gave no credence to God given freedom, to unrehearsed beauty, to that unimaginable magic that can only be realized by not grasping but by relinquishing control - by trusting in blind faith that proceeds all.