Drained.
One day last year, my body, my soul, my heart, became DRAINED. No matter what I do, sleep, extra sleep, try to rest, nothing seems to take that DRAINED feeling a way from me. I know the very day it happened, the exact moment in time, that my body became DRAINED. I know at 10:49p.m. on Dec 30th, 2009, my body felt a DRAINED like I had never ever felt before. and every day since then it feels that same way JUST DRAINED.
I go about doing what I need to do. I smile, I even laugh, I think, I listen, but mostly I am nothing but DRAINED.
There does not seem to be one minute in time that my mind does not remember that that night as I held my son's warm hand, as my other hand laid upon his heart, hearing but not hearing the horrible sounds of the monitors, as my son's body struggled to stay, yet the spirit knew it had to go. Not one second can that memory be erased from my mind as we sat by your side all day and that night because the doctor's had said, "This is the day, This is the day that Kenny is dying". I didn't want my mind to hear those words. I didn't dare believe those words. But even though I knew that God could have fixed it, somewhere I think I knew the day had come. so that night as mom held your hand, mom's other hand was on your heart, mom felt your last heart beat as it stopped. Mom looked at you with all the tubes in your mouth, but you still were able to mouth the words "I love you", then the angels took your spirit from us and led you to your beautiful home with Jesus.
DRAINED that moment has stood still in time in my body. My body feels so DRAINED. I don't believe it is because I am tired. I don't believe it is because I need more rest. I don't believe it is because a vacation is needed. I think I know why my body feels so DRAINED.
I am DRAINED, because that night at 10:49p.m. a part of me left too and that part that left me has now left me DRAINED. I have never understood why I feel so DRAINED until this morning. I am DRAINED, because you are gone. But one day that will change, we well be together again, and Ken know what, Mom won't be DRAINED anymore.
Love you son, more than life itself. Tell Jesus I said "Hi".
Your mom forever and ever.
I go about doing what I need to do. I smile, I even laugh, I think, I listen, but mostly I am nothing but DRAINED.
There does not seem to be one minute in time that my mind does not remember that that night as I held my son's warm hand, as my other hand laid upon his heart, hearing but not hearing the horrible sounds of the monitors, as my son's body struggled to stay, yet the spirit knew it had to go. Not one second can that memory be erased from my mind as we sat by your side all day and that night because the doctor's had said, "This is the day, This is the day that Kenny is dying". I didn't want my mind to hear those words. I didn't dare believe those words. But even though I knew that God could have fixed it, somewhere I think I knew the day had come. so that night as mom held your hand, mom's other hand was on your heart, mom felt your last heart beat as it stopped. Mom looked at you with all the tubes in your mouth, but you still were able to mouth the words "I love you", then the angels took your spirit from us and led you to your beautiful home with Jesus.
DRAINED that moment has stood still in time in my body. My body feels so DRAINED. I don't believe it is because I am tired. I don't believe it is because I need more rest. I don't believe it is because a vacation is needed. I think I know why my body feels so DRAINED.
I am DRAINED, because that night at 10:49p.m. a part of me left too and that part that left me has now left me DRAINED. I have never understood why I feel so DRAINED until this morning. I am DRAINED, because you are gone. But one day that will change, we well be together again, and Ken know what, Mom won't be DRAINED anymore.
Love you son, more than life itself. Tell Jesus I said "Hi".
Your mom forever and ever.
Replies
I hear you and understand this feeling too. It is not one that I believe we can handle for too long because even the simplest of tasks take a Herculean effort. For me, it is finding a way to release these thoughts and feelings that are making me feel this way. I have looked to the other moms here a little further along on this path to be my guide. Keep coming to FMO and release this in a loving and caring place as you are. Giving you lots of strength and courage just for this moment and are you able to get out in nature? I have become quite a tree hugger these days because it is so grounding for me and I think nature can be one of our huge healers. Just a thought my friend. Love to you this day and I know how much you are missing your dear Kenny. Sending light and warmth to your heart today my friend. Love and hugs, Joanie
I know that feeling of being drained too. You describe it beautifully. You are right, a piece of us is gone with our child. It is a piece of us that we will never get back....but, that piece of us that is our child is definitely in us at the same time...it is kind of contradictory, actually. I can\'t stand having to live this life without Greg but, I would never have given up having him be part of my life for those 19 wonderful years. Because he was alive, because he came to this earth and lived with us, he is a part of me that can never be taken away....Thanks for sharing such intimate feelings here because it helps the rest of us so much. Peace and Love to you. Anne
Just yesterday I was having nagging thoughts of events. That feeling that you can\'t believe he is gone. I, too, was beside my son with my hand on his shoulder when he took his last breath yet I look at his photo and can\'t believe it. Before bed I was downloading some new photos I took yesterday. When I scrolled through the new photos the program kept rolling photos to this smiling picture of Cory dancing with his aunt. It was taken in 2005. He looked so good so healthy. The following photos showed the progress of the tumors July, August, September. He was dying. I don\'t feeled drained but so sad and empty hearted. We miss them.
I can certainly understand that feeling. Even though I now have a bit more energy, I no longer have the motivation. I don\'t like to decorate, I don\'t like to plan for get togethers and I procrastinate at almost everything. That\'s what I need to work on now. Our angels do take part of us with them. We forever have that void. Please rest, take care of yourself and things will slowly improve. Love to you friend. Robin
To all of my dear wonderful friends, who take time to read and comment on my journal.
Without each of you I would be so lost and alone. You are my strength and give me a boost when I need it the most. Thank you to each one of you for always being here for me. Much love I receive and much love I give to you all.
Sandi
I
What they taught me in grief counseling was to understand that these feelings are normal. We are not going crazy, and we will not be like this always. The grieving process is complex and devastating, but it will eventually take you to a place where the feelings will not be so intense and unbearable.
I am different than I was nearly three years ago...in some ways stronger and in some ways weaker. Weaker in that part of me is missing...stronger because I have lived beyond the greatest loss possible to a mom. To survive and choose to go on takes incredible strength and all of us moms are doing this. We don\'t like it, we want things the way they used to be, it isn\'t fair, it sucks the life out of us...but we are surviving. In time, you will be able to focus on the other survivors in your family instead of the one that has gone on ahead of us. It is different for each...but at some point you will. Baby steps sweet friend...love and hugs...Karen
Sandi....here is a poem that I wrote that defines how I feel about if I should be in this situation ...it is for my family so they will feel like they were carrying out my last wishes...to let me go.....I hope it gives you a new perspective on life sustaining measures and our desire to keep our loved ones here no matter what...
Last Request
by Dale Jordan Heath
If ever my life is a graph upon the screen
suspended by drips of hope,
metered by hissing machines~
if my indigo gaze and expression stays the same,
you have my permission~
take the life-line from my vein.
If the indignity of disease leaves
a tenuous sheath upon my brittle frame,
and the laughter of my days is gone~
then let me go.
Don\'t preserve me in your selfishness,
disregard the pulse of confusion.
When all is undone,
tranquility will be my status.
Don\'t be ashamed;
unhook the apparatus,
and wait ___________
Sandi, for months and months I felt that same drained feeling you talk about here. My son has been gone now over 10 mos, and some days I actually have a bit of energy. Not a lot, but it\'s an improvement... I just know it\'s a process that takes time. Just don\'t give up hope. Love, Cherie
Karen took the words right out of my mind. This coming July will be 15 yrs. since Tommy was taken. The \"meltdowns\" comes less frequent and at times more gentle. Just keep writing. We\'re all here by your side, with love, support and prayers......Pat
Hi sweetheart, I agree with all of the moms, grief drains our bodies, souls and minds from the process of realizing our children are gone. I wasn\'t with Shaun when he died, but the Sunday morning before I found out he was gone, I had such a sheer presence of him and that something was terribly wrong. I even picked up the phone and called him but got his voicemail. Awful, and I know the replay of the news - I\'ll never forget those two police officers standing in the livingroom telling me to sit down.
How can we forget their deaths? We can\'t. Just like we can remember every detail of their births - this is the opposite ugly side and yes I can readily admit to you that I still feel drained. Know you are in my prayers and that I understand. Love & hugs.
Drained is the perfect description of the way I feel from time to time after re-living that day when I found out my daughter had died. It\'s been 8 long years and nothing has ever completely filled me with the feeling that I was whole again and I don\'t think anything ever will. But I continue on, as a not-whole person, and I am probably the only person who knows that I have been drained, there is a hole in my heart where it leaked and will never be wholly healed. But I go on.
DEAREST SANDIE. MY HEART FEELS BROKE OVER THE LOSS OF MY DAUGHTER ON 1/18/2003 AND THE WAY YOU DESCRIBED YOUR FEELINGS OVER THE DEATH OF YOUR BELOVED SON IS HOW I FELT AND STILL ON CERTAIN DAYS FEEL THE SAME WAY. JUST BEFORE MY DAUGHTER DIED LIKE YOUR SON SHE WAS ON A VENTALATER AND HER HANDS TIED DOWN AND SO DRUGGED WITH PAINKILLERS. I WAS NOT WITH ER WHEN SHE DIED WE DID,NT MAKE IT TO THE HOSPITAL AND I WAS IN SUCH DENIAL UP TILL THE END I THOUGHT GOD WAS GOING TO LET HER LIVE. I WALKED INTO HER ROOM AND THE PRIEST WAS THERE AND MY HUSBAND AND I SHE HAD HER LAST RIGHTS. HER HAND WAS STILL WARM AND I HELD IT AND KISSED HER CHEEK I WAS NUMB8 81 DAYS WATCHING HER BE MUTILATED, NO FOOD, NO KIDNEYS LEFT, THEY LACERATED HER LIVER SHE ALMOST DIED , GAVE HER SO MANY PILLS, TOOK OUT HER GALL BLADDER AND SHE HAD NONO IMUUNE SYSTEMS LEFT THE LUPUS HAD DESTROYED IT. HER BODY HAD A CATHERED IN IT SO LONG SHE HAD SO MANY INFECTIONS IN HER BODY AND THIS IS WHAT I CAN NEVER FORGET. MY LIFE ON THAT DAY CHANGED FOREVER. AS THE YEARS HAVE PASSED (7) THINGS ARE BETTER FOR ME BUT THAT EMPTY FEELING IS ALWAYS THERE IT NEVER LEAVES. THE PAIN AND SORROW ARE THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS AND YOUR BODY FEELS LIKE AN OUT OF THE BODY EXPERIENCE, LIKE IT IS A DEAAM AND A DEEP FEAR. MY CHILD IS GONE FOREVER. BLESS YOU MY DEAR SANDI AND I PRAY YOUR DRAINED FEELING WILL PASS SOON IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY REALLY BUT IT WON,T BE AS STRONG FOR YOU YOU WILL BE ABLE TO LIVE AGAIN BUT YOU AS I AND MANY OF THE MOMS ON THIS SUPPORT GROUP WILL ALWAYS HAVE THAT EMPTY PLACE IN OUR HEARTS AND SOUL FOREVER. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THAT EMPTY CHAIR. HUGS AND LOVE ZZZTOP/CHARCO
I find that somedays just walking and talking is too much for me.. it does change I never say it gets better but it does change and you will have different energy.. love to you my friend...
I very much can relate to how you describe your feelings. I felt like that for a very long time and it really felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Little by little some life has come back into my life and I am so grateful. It is awful feeling like crap and one does not even realize how bad it is/was until we beging to feel better. Hugs, Inga