Down today
This is going to be a rambling entry. I just need to get things off my chest and this is the safest place.
It is April 18, the day Lisa was to be born - the doctor accidentally booked another C-section on the 18th, and mine on the 20th. I was in good health and informed the doctor that I was not going to stay in the hospital for a long spell. Those were the days when it was customary to be hospitalized for a week after a section. On day 5, I followed the doctor on his rounds and harassed him "Go and sign my discharge order". When he was done, he smiled and said I could go home. The other lady was discharged on the same day but wanted to stay in longer. She had 4 kids at home and wanted more rest.
I have been feeing down for the last couple of weeks. It occurred to me that this is not unusual. It happens in April - every year. It takes me a while to register that it is Lisa's birthday month. it is also a dull time of year as the trees don't have leaves yet but the snow is gone. The rubbish is uncovered and it's just not a pretty sight. I think this year is worse because we didn't get a winter holiday in the sunshine.
In addition, my friend's father died last week and I have another friend whose dad is dying and he is angry and takes it out on Chris. Her daughter is also very depressed - she had a suicide plan. So life has not been very uplifting. It has been stressful in our condo - we need about $5.000000 worth of work done. The board wants to have it done at once as doing it in bits and pieces will just result in it costing more and it really won't ever be done. I agree that it needs to be done sooner rather than later, even though it will put us in debt. Those who don't agree have made life very stressful for the board, and for me as many of them are friends and very conscientious.
We have an American friend staying with us for awhile. We got to know each other when we taught in Istanbul. She is at loose ends right now. She lived in Turkey for 10 years and had to leave when the political situation deteriorated. She went to China for a year but found it hard to accustom herself to the lifestyle there. She has been teaching on line and is looking for a day job in another country, perhaps Mexico. We enjoy having her here but I see she is getting antsy - feels she is being an imposition.
I guess all this is me trying to sort out why I feel so bad. I have good friends and have so much to be thankful for but when I get in to this hole, it is hard to appreciate the good things.
Lisa: I long to hear your voice. I treasure that the last words I heard from you were "I love you". I wish with all my heart that you could be here to cuddle and love those beautiful babies. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
Oh Marlene, I hear your heart. The longing and the wanting for our kids to be here! Sounds like you have a lot going on with your friend staying with you, repairs needing to be done and when our friends' parents are leaving this earth, it just hurts. I always find myself wanting to talk to Jennifer so much in those times because like your Lisa, she was always practical, logical and knew just what to say to somehow make the situation lighter.
Lisa, let your mum know you are close! She needs YOU!
Sending hugs & love to you, Lisa's mum - from Jennifer's mom.
We get through these days, months. For me it is Feb 17th till March 1 or the Jewish festival of Shushan Purim. just painful, lousy times. Wish I could really hug you, and join you in our losses. Grave losses. How is it possible? Our children were our lives.
Sending love & understanding. Abby
Oh it seems we go forward for some time then we go backwards as if we never went forward, and those days seem that other issues come into our lives and brings more into our thoughts and pain. Yes we want t reach out and help others when it seems we can't even help ourselves. We can seem to never get off Merry-go-round...and the music sometimes just gets so dark. Our lives are our struggles, the music is sometimes now gets so dark and we don't know how to get out of it. Lisa, Ken none of our kids want us to suffer like we do, yet we are ad do return to the days when the pain was so deep we did not feel we could survive, yet somehow we did and we will ...There seems so much so many days of the year that make it so difficult to get through. That is why we come here and ramble and say what we can't say to others as they would not understand as they don't understand our pain. But we have each other to say what we feel ad for that we are thankful for. We have struggled through this pain and even when it is light shines and the darkness lifts, we feel we can get through these days, that our struggles are lifted yet they come back to haunt us over and over again and again. There is not end to our loss only knowing that one day we will be with our children again...My thoughts are with you as you know I know the pain as well. We can just hold on to each other....and keep each other close in our thoughts...Love, Sandi
I'm with you, Marlene, and yes, the understanding that is here is why we keep coming back, isn't it? We can just let it all out and in that I always feel a bit lighter and hope you do as well.
I'll be thinking of Lisa and you on her birthday and we are hardwired to feel these days in our DNA, of that I am certain. Even if our mind keeps moving along, our hearts stop to remind us.
Loving care dearest Marlene, and remembering Lisa always.
XO Joanie
I am sorry I was not on site for Lisa Birthday. Sending some peace for you I hope. Hugs, Kathy