Down for the Count
Just when I pick myself up, dust myself off...life throws another right hook my way.
We picked up the kids at the airport yesterday. They spent 2 months with their mom in Arizona. They've lived with us full time for almost 3 years, since their mom decided she was moving and didn't want to take them. I had just started my first year of teaching - a goal I'd worked towards for years. I remember my husband asking me if I was going to be okay with it, and I was like, what choice do I have? I mean I'm seriously going to say no? They are his kids and I knew they were part of the deal going in. However, I was prepared for weekends and holidays. Anyway, I've had a tough time adjusting to full time stepmom, particularly since beginning TTC.
Towards the end of this school year, my 3rd teaching 1st grade, I was nearing a breakdown. Mixing full time job (1st grade is no piece of cake and has a burnout rate of about 4 years on average), 2 stepkids I'm trying to bond with and be full time mom to, and IF...it was not pretty. I was a disaster. I decided that something had to go and since it couldn't be the kids or IF, I decided to quit my job. I came to the conclusion that if these 2 kids were the only ones I was going to get, then I was damn sure going to put my all into it.
The last month of school, after I gave my notice, I really felt a difference in our relationship. Mostly because of the refocusing of my attention, I think. This summer has been the first one that I actually really missed them. I've had the summer to get my house and life together. I was actually so excited for them to come home.
We picked them up yesterday afternoon. They spent the whole afternoon talking about their mom, her girlfriend, their animals, etc. Comparing them to our home and animals. Then in the evening they started to cry and basically haven't stopped.
I get that they miss her. I get that it sucks that they only get to see her in the summer. I get that this is beyond hard for kids to deal with. I get that. And I don't expect them to not miss her.
But it's been like a punch in the gut. Reminder that I am not their mom. I am not anyone's mom. Not the real thing. No matter how much I care about them, they will never care about me the way they care about her. Just by virtue of the fact that she gave birth to them. I feel the anger starting to build. She is a CRAP mom. She left them. Her choice. She is the reason they don't get to see her. She chose this and continues to choose this. And despite that, they love her. I am the one who buys them clothes, feeds them, helps with homework, comforts, takes them to the doctor, tucks them in. And they will never miss me the way they miss her. They will never love me the way they love her.
Maybe no one ever will.
We picked up the kids at the airport yesterday. They spent 2 months with their mom in Arizona. They've lived with us full time for almost 3 years, since their mom decided she was moving and didn't want to take them. I had just started my first year of teaching - a goal I'd worked towards for years. I remember my husband asking me if I was going to be okay with it, and I was like, what choice do I have? I mean I'm seriously going to say no? They are his kids and I knew they were part of the deal going in. However, I was prepared for weekends and holidays. Anyway, I've had a tough time adjusting to full time stepmom, particularly since beginning TTC.
Towards the end of this school year, my 3rd teaching 1st grade, I was nearing a breakdown. Mixing full time job (1st grade is no piece of cake and has a burnout rate of about 4 years on average), 2 stepkids I'm trying to bond with and be full time mom to, and IF...it was not pretty. I was a disaster. I decided that something had to go and since it couldn't be the kids or IF, I decided to quit my job. I came to the conclusion that if these 2 kids were the only ones I was going to get, then I was damn sure going to put my all into it.
The last month of school, after I gave my notice, I really felt a difference in our relationship. Mostly because of the refocusing of my attention, I think. This summer has been the first one that I actually really missed them. I've had the summer to get my house and life together. I was actually so excited for them to come home.
We picked them up yesterday afternoon. They spent the whole afternoon talking about their mom, her girlfriend, their animals, etc. Comparing them to our home and animals. Then in the evening they started to cry and basically haven't stopped.
I get that they miss her. I get that it sucks that they only get to see her in the summer. I get that this is beyond hard for kids to deal with. I get that. And I don't expect them to not miss her.
But it's been like a punch in the gut. Reminder that I am not their mom. I am not anyone's mom. Not the real thing. No matter how much I care about them, they will never care about me the way they care about her. Just by virtue of the fact that she gave birth to them. I feel the anger starting to build. She is a CRAP mom. She left them. Her choice. She is the reason they don't get to see her. She chose this and continues to choose this. And despite that, they love her. I am the one who buys them clothes, feeds them, helps with homework, comforts, takes them to the doctor, tucks them in. And they will never miss me the way they miss her. They will never love me the way they love her.
Maybe no one ever will.
Replies
Amen. I get EXACTLY how you feel. I\'m told all the time by DH that i\'m a better mother to my step son than his real mother is, yet she\'s the one he loves the most, she\'s the one he has on a pedestal, she\'s the one he would do anything for. THe logical side of me \"gets it\" and my heart and gut think it\'s sooo unfair and am extremely jealous.