Down for a bit

I have a truly terrible cold. The kind that really knocks you down. Sneezing, snuffling, shivering, coughing, fevers, the whole kaboodle. Ugh. I feel like such a weenie... I KNOW it's just a cold, and I keep saying to everyone that I'm FINE and that I don't need anything. That is the ferocious side of my personality. I can take care of everything. EVERY THING. Then I realize I'm lonely and tired. Haha, can't fool myself. 
Of course when the headache started, I thought, "how can a little headache be so bad? How bad must Andy's headaches have been?" I remember him begging for mercy... such awful awful headaches. Dude. I am so sorry.
This afternoon I went to buy some paint and the guy working there says that he had a long hectic day; his co-worker Paul had to go home with a terrible headache this morning. Apparently he was white as a ghost. It reminded me again of Andy's headache. After that time, which was December 26th two years ago, I can't ever again be easy-breezy about a headache. I said that I hoped Paul would be OK... that he should get it checked out. 
It's the loss of innocence. Things aren't always 'ok'. Sometimes really bad things happen.
And it's dark. And very cold. The sun is setting here before 4 o'clock! Once I get over the worst of this cold, I need some endorphins aka time in the gym. Sorry just complaining a little. Back troubles, horrible cold, dark, no kitchen or laundry for a few weeks (due to wonderful building project, shouldn't complain?!) but worst of all: memories of Andy's pain.  I feel like being in this circle of friends is a safe place to say it when life sucks. I mean, life is still good, but I really don't have to pretend everything is ok, do I. That's an old habit that doesn't really help.
Andy, help me to tell the truth in my life. Help me to be honest about all the rotten stuff as well as the wonderful stuff. Help me to accept help when I need it. 
xoxo Sarah

Replies

KandL
KandL

Sarah, I\'m sorry to hear you aren\'t feeling well. So awful that any mom should have to watch her precious child suffer with excruciating pain like Andy had. He is free from that cruel disease and terrible pain. I will never understand why our kids had to endure such pain or die young or suffer from addiction or debilitating depression and take their own life. We all have a story here. Not only of pain, but stories of love. No you don\'t have to pretend here. Sometimes life feels unbearable and I think the only thing that makes it bearable is to share it. I hope you feel better soon. Thank God Andy had his family to share his pain with and thank God his pain is over. Gentle hugs, Linda
deleted_user
deleted_user

Zack had a debilitating headache for three days straight before he went to sleep and never woke up. He would not admit he could not handle it. I feel your pain...had a migraine today...but not just that...the unnatural pain of this situation. I\'m sorry sorry you feel bad. The holidays are bad enough these days without adding a cold! I don\'t know if you like Dr. Pepper, but if you pour some Dr. Pepper in a coffee cup, add a teaspoon of lemon juice, and heat it in the microwave you will have a hot soothing fruity drink to ease your throat and give you a yummy feeling.
deleted_user
deleted_user

So sorry, you are sick. There is a lot to be said, about walking in someone elses shoes. We can never truly understand someone elses pain, unless we go through the same thing. Which is why I know all the mothers on FMO, know my pain. Please feel better, soon. Peace and healing, are what I ask, the higher power, to give to you, today. Hugs.
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

It is indeed a safe place to express feelings - the good and the not so good.
I hope you feel better soon. I can identify with your concern re headaches. When my DIL had surgery, we were all basket cases. Fortunately, she came through with flying colours.
Take care of yourself. You are worth it!
Hugs, Marlene
inmemoryofhattie
inmemoryofhattie

Sarah,

so far, in my life DS has been the safest place to express feelings...not only feelings but thoughts too that I think are \"unacceptable\"...It has been a genuine opportunity to grow because no one NO ONE has said ONE THING that has been hurtful....

So, yes, I do think it is safe here and a good thing to express our feelings whatever they are at any given moment...

Also, I am learning that it is probably helpful to others to express how not capable of handling things I am....before and in a lot a my life I have been and am a very\"capable\' person,,,,but that is so not all of me and it is good for that other part of me to have it\'s space too.

I aslo want to say that I\'m sorry you feel so sick and I do understand that terrible frisson of fear when a headache appears. After what happened to Andy the very word is terrifying.

I do hope you do whatever makes you feel better and heal, and I do hope you ask for \'help\' even for someone to change your sheets, fluff up your pillows, put a shawl around your shoulders, make you tea with honey and fresh lemon (my family remedy for almost anything along with \"take a shower\")

I am finding it humbling to come to this site and spill out all what I think is awfulness only to be met with understanding compassion and encouragement. I hope that this is helping grow me into a more whole and
healthy person.

I am sending good vibes for your healing, and for health and comfort, of all kinds....you are the best of souls, dear friend....
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry you feel so lousy.....and I don\'t believe in the words \"just a cold\"....I can\'t take any medications for a cold, so when I get one, it is horrible. And I say it loud and clear. Holding all that in just puts more pressure on your body....so come here and yell it all out....we\'ll cheer you on! And the dark....oh yes, the dark. Since my Dad passed, I have been getting what I call the \"nigglies\".....it\'s anxiety and some depression mixed....starting around 4:00 and lasting several hours. I used to get it extremely bad when I was severely clinically depressed. I discussed this with my therapist this past Wednesday, and how I hadn\'t had this problem again till a couple weeks after Dad passed (Nov. 3). She explained that in my case, because I always felt like my Dad could take care of anything and anybody because he was very strong and knew how to do everything until the Alzheimer\'s hit. Then he continued to be as strong as he possibly could these 7 years that he suffered. I still felt safe with him. She feels that I now know that I am next in line in the generational heirarchy; next to face the death thing. I told her I\'m not afraid of death, it\'s the process that bothers me. She said that is exactly right, and that\'s mostly about giving up control and not being able to have say so in what is happening to us when we are going through the dying process. She feels that is why my body gets anxious when it gets dark.....Daddy can no longer save me or help me, and to some extent, that must make me feel unsafe and not in control. Hence the anxiety. So......that was the long way around to say that your son\'s death possibly has left you with a sense of the \"nigglies\", too, when it is dark. I feel so bad for you....I am still so fresh from Dad\'s passing that I am also thinking of him in many ways as far as his illness, what happened to him in the end (he didn\'t die from Alzheimer\'s), what was he feeling (he couldn\'t talk for those last days), did I let him down in some way, it goes on and on. I know he is safe with the Lord, and happy, and all he has wanted to do was go see Mom and his original family, but I still feel like there is \"unfinished business, things left unsaid, undone\". I told him I loved him a zillion times. When he could still whisper, I told him, \"Dad, I love you so much, you know that, right?\" He looked at me and smiled a little smile and said, \"I know you do\", in a soft whisper. And his face told me that he did. I hold onto that. Sweetie, accept all the help you can get....especially from God. And you are right, you don\'t have to pretend everything is okay. You may be subconsciously doing that for Andy.....but remember this, Andy is now privy to God\'s entire plan for all of us. He knows what\'s okay and what isn\'t, and he\'s okay with it because he KNOWS God has it all in control. Let him help you (Andy). I talk to my parents a lot. I lost some certificates for free pizzas yesterday (I had won them over the radio)....was sure they were in my purse, emptied it 3 times....no dice. Hunted everywhere else in the house. I was sitting on my couch and said, \"Dad, help me find those certificates, please....\" I looked directly in front of me where 3 bills were propped against a vase. I had put them there one by one when they came, getting ready to pay them. It\'s like I saw them for the first time. I thought to myself, they can\'t be there....I just put those bills there one by one. But I ruffled through them anyway....and there, in the middle, were the certificates. Thanks, DAD! I can\'t tell you how many times my mother has helped. She leaves pennies in strategic spots and in a certain way when she wants to reassure me or warn me of something coming.....also feathers. I have a container for each and they are full. I don\'t just pick up any feather or penny, it has to be one that is placed as I have learned she does it. It\'s amazing. Waiting to see what Dad cooks up. If you are very, very aware, and pay close attention, something will catch your eye and you\'ll know it\'s from Andy....it will make sense to you. I\'m really not crazy, honest. Well, I hope you get better very soon.....and an interesting ending....ever since my therapy session on needing to face my mortality....I haven\'t gotten the nigglies when it gets dark. I\'m with you, complain to me anytime.

Becky
Mary4408
Mary4408

Hey there Sarah ~ your journals starts out like a Nyquil commercial! Get in a nice hot tub (low light & candles no heavy fragrance) keep a hot wash cloth on your chest. Drink the concoctions the others suggested then dry off and put a bunch of Vicks Vapor Rub on your chest. My Mom used to warm up one of my dad\'s hankerchiefs on the stove (it\'s a wonder that woman never burned the house down) anyhow, then she would slap that hot cloth on the chest get us in our jammies and we would crawl into bed. I hope you are feeling much better soon! :D It\'s better than doing the dreaded Christmas Cards!!!!!!! MARY
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Gentle care dear Sarah. This is the place where we can come and be who we need to be at any given moment... and the beauty in that too is that it can change as soon as we\'ve journaled and released so much of what is in the depths. When we are sick and can\'t go about the busyness of our days we are alone and still with our thoughts. I know that I too have struggled when \"down and out\" because there is no place to run and no place to hide. Be as you always have been with all that comes in and allow others to care for you knowing how much it means to you to be in their place. Oh, to learn how to be a humble receiver has been such a life lesson this time around for most of us, hasn\'t it? I still struggle with it on so many days. Rest dear one and I suspect Andy is keeping a close vigil... those warm arms of his are enfolding you. I\'m sorry you are not feeling well. I understand... Lots of love always. Joanie
RememberKala
RememberKala

Yes, some parts of this human experience REALLY SUCK!!!!! So sorry you\'re feeling poorly, hopefully on the mend and full of energy soon. Love you, Teri.
PLA58
PLA58

I hope you feel better.. My hubby is sick also sounds bad. It is that time of year I quess. Keep your chin up, you can always lean on us.

Hugs Penny
Abotsd
Abotsd

See, that\'s what we get for being close to people! colds! So sorry you;re under the weather (what the hell does that mean?) Stay warm, complain a lot, (kvetch) is the Yiddish word, you\'re allowed to be helpless, ill, and defeated for a very few days. Keep up the liquids, you\'re losing so much with snot!! love,abby
heartsandhands
heartsandhands

thank you everyone i have been painting all morning in my new mudroom... i will now get a cup of herbal tea and go to bed. i have been crying for a while because, well, the defense system was decommissioned, and a good man died this morning of brain cancer... someone i had come to know through the cancer caregiver network. thing is, we DO keep getting ourselves into these relationships, and there WILL be pain. it cannot be completely avoided if we want a life. *sob* maybe i\'ll put a little whisky in my tea. : }
DunneL
DunneL

Hey Sarah, I know you\'re a tough woman and would never let a little (or big) cold get you down. But, cause this happened to me 3 years ago, just make sure its not something worse like pneumonia. (I was all tough and \"I\'ll get better, don\'t worry\" then I was talked into going to my doctor and he sent me straight to the hospital.) So, I\'m just saying... But I know so well the sense that our pains aren\'t anything compared to what our sons went through. We found out the sore on Jon\'s tongue was cancer exactly 2 years ago and his surgery was on 12/26/08. So we also share a horrible date. For now, just do take care of yourself. Oh, and I\'m all behind the whisky idea! Love to you, Linda
Sandi2947
Sandi2947

Sorry you have been feeling bad....Ken never had headaches...we kept asking him before we found he had the tumor in the brain....just lost his speech and then right side use of his hand and leg..oh I can still see him today as if it is happening now...Why our sons suffered cancer so young I will never ever understand...Seems our dates are close together...Wish we had some way to help our pain...hoping you to get over your cold soon.
Sandi
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

The loss of innocence. That, for me, is one of the toughest lessons I\'ve been forced to swallow. The assumption that \"it\'s only a headache\" or \"of course Corrie will be safe even when she\'s thousands of miles from home ~ things that bad don\'t really happen to us, do they?\" Sometimes it is torture wondering about the pain our kids went through ~ even, as in Corrie\'s case, just a few minutes. Yet, they are free wherever they are now, learning and growing.

Do take care of yourself ~ enjoy that herbal tea and cozy moments.

Sending lots of love and big hugs ~ Debbie