Down At The Bottom...Now What?
Mom passed in the early hours of 10 May 2015. She had suffered a mini-stroke, following a lupus attack, 2 days, earlier...the new hospice folks were very kind...gave us plenty of pain medication and even helped to turn her and helped us change the linens, which we couldn't do, before, without injuring her further. We just kept dosing her on the hour, until I finally noticed that she wasn't struggling to breathe, anymore...she went hard, but at least it was under 48 hours...everyone was very kind to us, afterwards...but, I didn't want to let go of her hands, her arm, her shoulder...I couldn't quit kissing her hair...she was still warm, and I so didn't want her to go...but, I kept reminding myself that she'd made it clear, after the mini-stroke that she didn't want to suffer, anymore...while I should be back on a regular schedule of sleep, I find that I still can't...I think I'm staying awake b/c Mom and I got used to that routine when she couldn't rest...still feels like deserting her...
Sis and Dad seem sad, but very relieved...that makes me sadder than ever...although, I know it's a fact...Mom was not their favorite person; and while Sis and Dad have been on their best behavior around me, it's not them that I particularly want to be around...it's Mom.
And yet, when the stress was high, I used to quietly excuse myself out to the garage and get in the van, lock the doors and just scream my head off--I used to wonder and wonder how much longer I could hold out as a "care" giver...I feel so guilty for some of the things I used to grumble out of earshot...it wasn't Mom, it was the work...and how "uninterested" everyone else was about getting involved...when Sis had to move back in with us, she did get a little better about helping me, but Dad kept his distance, up to the end...
Bro has been really down b/c he couldn't be here with her...he tried to talk to Dad about how he felt...Dad just handed the phone back to me...Bro handled it well, but I could tell he was a bit stunned and devestated...
There was no ceremony at her request; she also didn't want an obituary, but we did one, anyway. It was after her ashes hadn't come back from the funeral home that I called; she'd been down there for over 2 weeks, and the lady had called and left messages for Dad! I pretended the funeral home had cold-called me, and Dad got her ashes after his dental appt. Then, he got her ashes home and started to tape them up in an empty box--just to store them out of the way! I stopped him in time, and said I had a space set up in the living room for her...he seemed resigned, after that...the day after they took her away, he told me that he'd promised her that he'd scatter her ashes, at her birthplace in NM...now, I'm not so sure that that will happen...I must be sure that it does...she so wanted to get back home, again...I'm just not sure that I can exactly located the farm house...it was over 15 years ago when we were there, last, and I wasn't paying attention to how we were getting there...
God help me with the last, especially...I won't feel truly at peace, until that last task is finished...
Sis and Dad seem sad, but very relieved...that makes me sadder than ever...although, I know it's a fact...Mom was not their favorite person; and while Sis and Dad have been on their best behavior around me, it's not them that I particularly want to be around...it's Mom.
And yet, when the stress was high, I used to quietly excuse myself out to the garage and get in the van, lock the doors and just scream my head off--I used to wonder and wonder how much longer I could hold out as a "care" giver...I feel so guilty for some of the things I used to grumble out of earshot...it wasn't Mom, it was the work...and how "uninterested" everyone else was about getting involved...when Sis had to move back in with us, she did get a little better about helping me, but Dad kept his distance, up to the end...
Bro has been really down b/c he couldn't be here with her...he tried to talk to Dad about how he felt...Dad just handed the phone back to me...Bro handled it well, but I could tell he was a bit stunned and devestated...
There was no ceremony at her request; she also didn't want an obituary, but we did one, anyway. It was after her ashes hadn't come back from the funeral home that I called; she'd been down there for over 2 weeks, and the lady had called and left messages for Dad! I pretended the funeral home had cold-called me, and Dad got her ashes after his dental appt. Then, he got her ashes home and started to tape them up in an empty box--just to store them out of the way! I stopped him in time, and said I had a space set up in the living room for her...he seemed resigned, after that...the day after they took her away, he told me that he'd promised her that he'd scatter her ashes, at her birthplace in NM...now, I'm not so sure that that will happen...I must be sure that it does...she so wanted to get back home, again...I'm just not sure that I can exactly located the farm house...it was over 15 years ago when we were there, last, and I wasn't paying attention to how we were getting there...
God help me with the last, especially...I won't feel truly at peace, until that last task is finished...
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