Down Again

Thursday, January 28, 2010 – 7:05 P.M.   Things have not been going too well for me recently, and on an overall basis, my depression is worsening. I am unable to think of any part of my life that I am happy about. I believe that I am entering into another one of those phases when I am beginning to spiral downwards into the gloomy depths of despair. The only thing I know for almost certain is that sooner or later I will once again come back into the light. It is just a matter of time.   I saw my primary care physician last Thursday. Everything seemed to go about as I thought it would, which is good. There were no major surprises or setbacks, and I was pleased about that. At the same time, things could have gone somewhat better concerning a few medical issues that I have hanging over my head.   The worst problem I have seems to be the ongoing, and increasing, pain in my back. I do not know whether it is related to this or not, but I am also having additional pain in both of my legs ranging from the knees down to my feet. There are also times during which I have been having pain in my neck and shoulders as well.   My doctor and his nurse suggested a few options that I could consider. One would be to change to a different pain medication. A second option was to have an IV drip attached to me all the time. I "shot down" both of those ideas almost immediately. The third option, to which I agreed, was to go back and have some physical therapy for three months.   We were going to try just prior to Christmas, but somehow there was a miscommunication between my doctor's office, and the clinic from where I am going to get the physical therapy. The receptionist and the physical therapist at the clinic were apparently waiting to hear from me, at the same time that I was waiting to hear from them. Connections were never made. That will not happen again, because I have already spoken with the receptionist at the clinic, and have scheduled five appointments with the same physical therapist who had worked for me for nine months about a year ago. My first appointment, which is really an evaluation, will be on Wednesday, February 10. I am very hopeful that the physical therapy combined with the pain medication will be just the thing I need to get me feeling better again.   For some unknown reason, both of my legs and feet have become swollen. I am not having any pain with that, but my doctor has given me some special type "socks" to wear during the day. It is my understanding that they will compress the blood in my feet and legs in an effort to get my circulation moving better.   On the home front, a new CNA is going to begin working with me at bedtime tonight. He will also be helping get me up during the weekends. I do not know much about him other than the fact that I have been told he is a nurse from Lebanon. I asked the staffing director at the home health agency if the man could speak English, and the woman told me that he could, but that it was somewhat "broken.” (Please don't let me have another dud.)   The PCP who was staying with me on the weekends is going somewhere else this weekend. I am almost delirious with happiness about that. I mean, I don't really mind helping him out now and then if he needs a place to stay, but after living alone for 15 out of 16 years, I have grown accustomed to living without anyone else around me. I feel as though I need a certain amount of space and freedom.   This afternoon, the PCP told me that he was going to try and find a small apartment for himself. If I knew of one that he could afford, I would pay a taxi to take him there. It is not that I do not like him, because I do, but sometimes I get the feeling that he is using me for a number of reasons.   The woman, who he usually stays with most of the time, has been bringing him to my place by taxi almost daily. She comes into my apartment with him, while he does the cleaning and cooking. They talk a lot, and remain here for a minimum of 2 to 3 hours each day. That is beginning to get on my nerves.   As a kind of "thank you" gift, they said that they wanted to take my picture and make an avatar out of it so that I could use it on the Internet. I am somewhat picky when it comes to a few things, and that is one of them. I gave him explicit instructions on the type of avatar for which I was looking. I said that I did not want a picture showing me sitting in my wheelchair. Both of them told me that was no problem.   I wound up buying them a small camera (they used most of the film on filming the duplex where they used to live) and they took three pictures of me -- none of which I liked. Can anyone guess what was showing in each of the pictures? If you guessed my wheelchair, then you get a gold ring!   They tried talking me into letting them bring an aquarium to my apartment so that I could watch the fish and calm down whenever I felt the need. I said that I did not really want one, but that I would think about it. Before I could reach a decision, they brought a 29-gallon empty fish aquarium into my apartment, where it is now resting upon another piece of my furniture. I do not want fish in my living room, or in any of my rooms. I have not yet gotten around to telling my PCP that I want him to remove it from my apartment. He won't be too happy when he hears that, but that is not my worry. He should have waited until I made up my mind in the first place.   There are a few other things going wrong when he is around, but I'm slowly putting my foot down and setting boundaries. I am hopeful that he is beginning to understand me somewhat better.   Last weekend, my brother called me on the phone. I am still not sure why he called, but at least he is attempting to keep open our lines of communication. We talked about the football games that were going to be played last week. I was the last one in the world he should have talked about concerning that because I do not care too much for football. He told me what teams were playing, and asked which ones I thought would win. I picked the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. Upon hearing that, he told me I was right and that I did not know anything about football. Since the teams I mentioned won, he has not spoken to me. I debated about calling him, but decided not to rub salt into his wounds.   Sunday afternoon I'm going to my sister's home. She is having a birthday party for her son. I don't really want to go there, but at least it will be a chance for me to get away from home for something other than a medical appointment.   On Friday, I'm going to see Dale at the mental health clinic. I spoke with him by phone during the week primarily because I had remembered the time, but not the date, when I was supposed to see him. Sometimes there are just too many things going on in my life for me to remember everything.   I do not know when I will be seeing Dr. Martin again since she had some surgery on one of her legs Monday. All I know for sure is she told me that she is supposed to stay off of her leg for approximately 6 weeks. The last time we spoke, she indicated that if she were unable to see me at her office, she would try and talk to me by phone. I think it will be better for me to have a session with her over the phone if possible, rather than not to have any session with her for six weeks.