Down again
I had an up day yesterday. Felt better than I have in a while. Positive, full of energy. I thought since Christmas was over maybe that is what had been holding me down so low. I was excited to feel more myself. It lasted a whole 24 hours.
Today I am back in the black swirling mists. Worse than before. My son told me it is impossible to do anything up to my expectations. Guess I am impossible to life with. He stopped talking to me for about an hour. We sat in the car with me refusing to drive until he finally said he was mad at someone else for saying something stupid, but he refused to talk about it.
I don't believe him. It is me. I don't even know what I did this time, but I have apparently complained about everything he has ever enjoyed so much that he stopped doing all of it. I have to say I do complain and I focus on the negative. I have tried to be more upbeat, but I can only pull it off for so long then I just seem to find fault with everything even more.
I know I was reading something a person he doesn't even like was writing last night and I said it had too much detail and my son started in on me that some people like that and it probably needed more.
Every word out of my mouth seems to just irritate him and he can't stand to be around me any more. My oldest son is the same. I try to talk to them about it and they refuse.
I don't know how to change. I try, but fall right back into the trap of complaining and critizing. Now they don't love me anymore and I don't think I can stand it.
We got home and my son locked himself in the bathroom for half an hour. I stood in the kitchen staring at a knife. I drew lines on my hand. I did not break the skin, but the lines stayed for a while. I wanted to make them deeper. I have not wanted to mark myself for so many years. It is scary to go back to that level of darkness, but I see no relief in sight.
May God find me and help me for I know no one else will. I am so alone.
Today I am back in the black swirling mists. Worse than before. My son told me it is impossible to do anything up to my expectations. Guess I am impossible to life with. He stopped talking to me for about an hour. We sat in the car with me refusing to drive until he finally said he was mad at someone else for saying something stupid, but he refused to talk about it.
I don't believe him. It is me. I don't even know what I did this time, but I have apparently complained about everything he has ever enjoyed so much that he stopped doing all of it. I have to say I do complain and I focus on the negative. I have tried to be more upbeat, but I can only pull it off for so long then I just seem to find fault with everything even more.
I know I was reading something a person he doesn't even like was writing last night and I said it had too much detail and my son started in on me that some people like that and it probably needed more.
Every word out of my mouth seems to just irritate him and he can't stand to be around me any more. My oldest son is the same. I try to talk to them about it and they refuse.
I don't know how to change. I try, but fall right back into the trap of complaining and critizing. Now they don't love me anymore and I don't think I can stand it.
We got home and my son locked himself in the bathroom for half an hour. I stood in the kitchen staring at a knife. I drew lines on my hand. I did not break the skin, but the lines stayed for a while. I wanted to make them deeper. I have not wanted to mark myself for so many years. It is scary to go back to that level of darkness, but I see no relief in sight.
May God find me and help me for I know no one else will. I am so alone.
Replies
I think you may need to write both of your sons a letter each of how you feel, no criticisms or any like that JUST feelings. I would recommend in the letter how you feel as though all of them need a break, or a vacation and that you want to hear what they want. Don\'t let them push you over the edge just be calm and quiet for a good while. Make them think twice about what they are doing by being minimal in conversation for a while. That way the letters can sink in. Having time out can be a healthy thing. Also I would tell a therapist if possible about this situation. It sounds volatile, not good. I hope your new year is a better one!