down again

Damn this rollercoaster! I see from my posts that I am an emotional mess. I am good one day then really shitty the next. I am not good..Friday can't come soon enough. I get my ECT on Friday, I'm hoping it will help get me out of this hole. I see my psychiatrist (pdoc) in about 45 minutes..the really sad thing is that I can't tell him how I feel. I've tried in the past and he scoffed at me. I am gonna tell him that I am depressed and wanna die and if he doesn't do anything I'm gonna get a new pdoc. I've seen this guy for 20+ years and thought we had a working relationship but lately he's been more worried about my wallet than my emotional state. I am scared to think that I may have to start all over with a new pdoc. But I also think it may be for the best as he isn't helping me. I gotta go now.....I am worried sick.....