Down

i feel a bit down right now, ihave tried listenn gto music, drinking, smoking, not cutting i dont want to but i might have to. i cant sleep. its like midnight and i just feel like anxious abouttoday and the events my grades r dropping, i dunno who my firneds r, i am scared of teh future. i know mabye not near future but in the fuutre, i feel like i will commit suicide its seems hopless life. i just don't want these thoughts to come to me but here I am again. Suicidal thoughts alone. Big day ahead, lotta smile for family wont get any time alone since holidays. I'm just down, dunno if depressed just down. Why do these thoughts always have to occur during holidays when I no friensdship support. It sucks last day of school was today and all these emotions happen now. I'm scared these holidays will be like the last holidays, family drama, someone sick. Last holidays was just too much and I'm still trying to recover but the calender isnt helping. Restful I put this in my diary because I don't want u to worry and make u even more downer sorry if u r reading this.
I also had this health assignment about me. It was so challenging. I skipped one question what will your dream future familynlook like. I coukdnt answer it because i couldn't decide between my dream of having five children. Or adopting my tro favourite cousins when older, for their sake. I don't want to abandon them because I love them so dearly I can't allow them to got to foster. I feel a responsibility to take care of them after 18. I didn't know whether to be selfish or selfless in the question so I skipped my dream family question it was just so hard. I know the teacher will ask me when school starts and I dunno how to reply. Anyway life sucks eight now counting down day till Easter