Doubts

I donae believe I've been repressing too many of my doubts about starting a second parenting career at age 65. I also believe having doubts is realistic. There is much to doubt in the proposition. I never *planned* to reach my current age, much less celebrate my 75th birthday with sole responsibility for a 9 year old, 13 year old and 16 year old. "Destination Older" has never struck my senses as a worthy lifestyle choice. My one true ambition is to be living fully on the day that I die. The ambition encourages me to approach every single day like the priceless gift that it is. There is no way of predicting which day will be your last, not even with the libraries full of statistics reducing us to whatever it is the researchers are reducing us to. I smoke. Culturally speaking, that is the only possible source of death for me. I do find it somewhat comforting to have that certainty so focused, but enough about my death. . . It has been statistically verified and widely publicized for decades now. Old news. Let's talk about your death for a while. What sexy death do you have planned for yourself?

Sigh. . .

The CPS caseworker from the urban center where this drama began is going to be here today. He has been overseeing the case since early this year. I have only met him once and that was in the whirlwind of confusion which accompanied the custody shift. He was exhausted and needed to start the 3 hour drive back home as soon as possible. It wasnae much of a getting-to-know-you meet-up.

The fact that Hubs is doing most of the talking in this case might be my greatest uneasiness. Nothing new there. My speech defect and hearing wierds make it a relief to have a spokesman, but. . . My busy executive does have a bit of a blind spot on the Not Working assumptions of what all I have in my day and what all goes in to the "Not Working" he has taken for granted his entire life. Socks pick themselves up off the floor, bathe themselves and tuck themselves neatly into the drawers, doncha know? While Hubs is way better than most on taking his wife for granted, he often suffers the executive dysfunction of assuming his underlings can perform unrealistic tasks. I am filled with the angst of once more being assumed into his gilded cage. There is a big part of me which wonders if one of his ulterior motives here is that very end. He still isnae really okay with my wandering ways, nor fully honest about how those wandering ways affect him.

Then we get to the other grandparents. . . Just how adversarial are they being? The fact that they approached the visitation yaddahs on their own causes me to wonder if their lawyer is already out of the picture. Their approach hit my senses as civil and respectful. Wouldn't that approach have been the lawyer's job if she/he was still involved? I can only imagine. I have made it a point to steer clear of that particular cultural evolution. It is quite a shock to see romantic lawsuits morphing into grandparent suits, but here we are. "As The Stomach Turns." Part of me believes the perception of hostility is mostly conjectured and projected, but. . . Just guessing. . . I s'pose we really do need to assume the worst. Secrecy and creative surprise are part of the lawsuit lotto game and. . . Away we go? Bureaucracies are even more vulnerable to the secrets and surprises of lawsuit lotto than Rich In-laws. I reckon. . . I s'pose. . . Somebody explain ^it^ to me, please. I smoke. Ya can't expect me to know nothing. I've never even been divorced.

The stability we've achieved seems to be holding steady under the latest onslaught. Big Bro is acting out anger issues again, but the safeguards are holding. There isnae such a thing as a conflict free life. The safeguards will be tested. His teacher isnae lowering the behavior expectation bar, but she is keeping in close contact. We will update the child therapist at Big Bro's and Big Sis's appointments tomorrow. Big Sis has been a little extra clingy, butnae much. Her 3 year old senses arenae quite so vulnerable as her brother's 6 year old senses. Baby Sis seems unaffected. She's too busy learning how to walk.

Prayers in progress. Onward through the fog. . .