Double Exposures Again Today

We did double exposure therapies again today.  I told her there’s so many scenarios and before we know it time will be here to go on my girl trip.  I told her how tired I am of doing this and asked her if she’s tired of it.  She kind of laughed like maybe yes, maybe not and I cannot remember what she said.  Maybe something about me feeling comfortable, knowing what to do and ready to go.  But I’m just not sure – I just can’t remember and wish I could.  I remember - she said how she knows how hard and torturous these are for me and she doesn't like to see me tortured.   I asked her if she went to see her son at his college town this weekend.  No because he didn’t need 2 car load fulls so they’ll just go Saturday to bring him home.  I told her about my friend who has a daughter who’s a freshman there and she remembers him from school before she moved to another district – she had some classes with him. She acted like small world but not interested to knowing names.  I had her read the nice Mother’s Day card my daughter gave me yesterday and showed her the larger pad I brought for her to wear to see what it feels like.  She asked me if it’s the Overnight one – no, just a pad.  I gave her the bag of my extra clothes.  She looked inside not knowing at first what was inside and then I told her and she put the bag her drawer.  The pad I brought for her is not the Walgreen’s brand – it’s a better quality, thicker one from Poise.  The one she has for me is the Walgreens brand (I used the other one last week).  I told her she can put it on and wear it to know what it feels like – how bad it is.  So she took it and said, “Oh, one for me!”  She put it on her desk.  I told her I wanted to go next door and practice waiting, not looking like I had to go, in front of others.  And wait in line if I need to.  Then we’ll come back and I’ll put that on – just to wear – not to use.    So with our little bet of last week about Mother’s Day, they called their other son yesterday and she asked if my son called me.  I showed her the text message at 12 midnight he sent me.  I heard it and it was hard getting back to sleep thinking what I wanted to say to him.    I think my son could have done more.  He could have actually called me, sent me a card, gotten me a little something.  For my birthday last month, too.  I’ve always done all I could for my kids birthdays.  So I called him, put him on speaker phone and he answered.  I was nice, he was nice.  She asked me how that felt.  I said OK, I just wanted to let him know how I felt.    Just before that I told her I was going to need to go to the bathroom soon.  And, I think, when I was dialing, I said I did need to go.  We talked just a couple minutes and then she told me about being able to place him on our insurance though his 25th birth year.  I’m surprised she talked about that knowing I needed to go to the bathroom and we needed to go next door to the store.  But soon we left and she continued more about that and I then I started to  tell her about my daughter’s knee until we got there..  We got inside the store/restaurant I immediately looked to see if anyone was there I knew.  No.  We went to the bakery counter which is right there in the front.  I asked her what she wanted.  She said a little more forcefully this time, “No, I’m fine.  I don’t need anything.”  But I insisted and we decided on the same as last time.  Just before I suggested the chocolate cupcake.  She said it was too big.  Wonder if she's starting to feel bad from the radiation.  A man got helped by a younger girl just before us and an older woman helped us.  I told her what I wanted into 2 separate bags.    I really needed to go.  I looked at her and I think I said I really needed to go.  “How are you doing?” She asked me.   I just shook my head OK.  I think I was moving around some and she glanced down at my legs.  When she saw how hard it was she asked me, “Do you need to go?”  I shook my head no and looked away.  Only a couple seconds later, still struggling, I looked at her, gave her the money and shook my head in a ‘no’ fashion like I can’t do this.  I don’t know if I said anything but she knew what was happening.  She might have even said, OK, when she took the money.  I told her I’m going outside.    She finished paying and I went outside and sat on one leg (my left) on the last picnic bench outside by the side of the building.  I didn’t know how to sit because I didn’t want the pee to spread on my jeans.  And, I didn’t want to stand in plain sight with my pants so wet down my legs.  She came right over to me.  “What do I do?” I asked her.  I think she looked down at my pants.  I knew I had to get back to the building and I completely forgot to bring my purse with me with my extra clothes.  I couldn’t believe I did that.  I told her later I was more into looking for that third dollar bill.    She asked me if I wanted to go in front or the back and somehow we started walking toward the back.  She asked me if I wanted to change upstairs in her office or downstairs.  I told her it depends if anyone’s around.  She also asked me if I wanted the bag I just brought or my purse with my clothes in them.  I said it didn’t matter.  She probably preferred her office (I think she called it suite) so she didn’t have to run up and down the stairs so much like when it happened before.  So as we were approaching the back of the building we saw a man outside in front.  I told her.  But we went in and when he came into the building I hesitated several seconds on the steps until he went into an office.  They exchanged hellos.   So we walked upstairs into her office.  She had given me the bag of goodies to hold so I covered some with that.  She later told me upstairs one therapist was not there, one was in session, the massage therapist had someone and she knew no one would be in the waiting area.  I asked her if I could just go into the bathroom and she’d bring my clothes to me.  She said no, to go into the office and she’d tell me why.  We went in, at some point she started to take the bag from me, and I said no – no way would I part with it because it was at least covering some.  She said she wanted me to practice, like in real life, to have to go somewhere to get my purse and such.  So I did and went to the bathroom to change.    I came back into the room and sat down.  She asked me how I was doing.  OK.   She knows how embarrassing that is for me.  She said the lady didn’t know what was going on – she was interested in getting the twist ties on the bags.  And no one knew.  She would imagine I think everyone would be watching.  Yes.   She asked me at what point did I know I couldn’t hold it any longer.  I’m not sure if I answered but when I started going.  She said she could tell this time by my legs – moving around I guess.  I think she started to say not my face this time but stopped herself.  I guess it was my face some but mostly this time my legs.  I told her it’s hard to keep still when you have to go that bad.  She showed lots of empathy for me there.  I told her sometimes I freeze and sometimes I flee.  I fled this time.  I just wanted to get out of there and that’s why I went outside.  I didn’t want to walk back to where the bathrooms were because there were people sitting there and I didn’t want them to see anything.  She thought it would have been easier if I had my clothes with me.  I told her I just wanted to get out when I started going and there was nothing I could do.    So we talked some about how important it is for me to have clothes with me at all times.  I told her how sometimes we don’t want to drag our purses with us.  She said I just may have to have a backpack or bag with me even so.  Like with water and such when we go out to the mines for a long time.  She said how I may just have to leave a line to go find a bathroom.  I said unless we are in line to go.  She said I may just need to be bold and ask to go ahead.  I told her about how last time I was next in line.  I told her how I’m glad she walked back to the back of the building with me to sort of watch out and tell me what I needed to do if needed.    I almost forgot I wanted to put on a pad just to wear when we got back.  She reminded me with hers and then got mine out of her drawer.  She commented that I know what’s in there of mine more than she does.  Yes, and then when I needed to go to the bathroom again I’d take it off, to do the driving scenario,  because last time we already did it like that.  Remember, my pants did get a little wet.  She said those can be to just give me some extra time to get to the bathroom.  So she left the room and went to the bathroom to put hers on while I put mine on while she was gone.  She came back and said it’s not tapered in the middle and she can feel it there.  She said I may want to look and I glanced.  I really didn’t see much on her.  I could on me, though – even today.  It kind of bunches.  So she sat the whole rest of the time with me with it on.  We even walked to see what it felt like.  I said how horrible and big & bulky it is and you can really feel it in the butt area.  I told her how you can always feel it, unlike the little pad I wear all the time.  She said many women wear those.  She knows I do every day.  And, this big pad is a constant reminder of my problem.  She asked about how absorbent it was compared to the others you can get.  I told her pretty much.  At the end, I reminded her she had it on and she said she was going to sit with it through the next session she had.  So we just talked about other things.  I told her (actually a couple times today) that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore and switch subjects.  Sometimes we had to switch back but she could tell I get to the point enough is enough sometimes.   I didn’t say but there’s so much focus on this and we need to talk about other things, too.  I think she knows this.  I told her about my granddaughter’s constant loving and such.  That I can’t tell her no.  How I wish she could see - well, I remembered we have a movie camera we use for birthdays and things and she could see that way if I'd ever bring that in.  She didn't say anything.  I told her we watched Hansel & Gretel like she suggested.  How she’s all over me to the extreme.  She said it’s important to keep doing that and reassure her when we leave (or her, I said) we come back.  We do.  I told her how my daughter wanted to be with me Friday and she went shopping with me and we had a great bonding time.  And how Thursday my son wanted to be with me and came over even though I left.  He knows I went to a massage therapist when I left and not a counselor.  She thinks they are turning around.  But then I told her on Mother’s day I left for an hour because everyone was ignoring me.  I came back and was with the little kids and it was OK.  But they made messes and I didn’t want to clean up and made them and the dad.  I’m always cleaning up.  She said, yes, and it was Mother’s Day.  I asked her how her radiation therapy was going.  She said OK but it was just for a split second.  I told her how I had to pick my daughter up Friday back there where she gets it on Friday.  I’m not sure but at first (beginning of the session) she acted a little funny – almost like she wasn’t feeling good.  She was almost late – coming in after I got there when I was in the waiting room.  Wonder if she’s starting to feel the radiation effects.  I hope not.  So soon I needed to go to the bathroom again and I told her I wanted to do a driving scenario.  She didn’t move next to me – we just talked.  She got the towel out of the drawer I left from last week.  She tossed it on the floor - I'm not sure why.  Then I got that trash bag out of my purse and didn’t quite know how to put it down because I’ll be driving.  It can be tricky while driving.  I always keep a plastic bag under my seat.  I told her I brought the larger trash bag because I’m so scared about going to the bathroom all over her couch.  She just nodded and listened.   By now I was starting to really need to go.  I put the towel down after I took the pad off while she turned around.  When she looked back around I was sitting on the towel but just holding the trash bag.  We talked about me driving but finally I just got up and place the trash bag under the towel.  She said about having it on the side of me, too.  I really had to go and said so.  I said I couldn’t cross my legs because I can’t do that driving.  Soon I glanced at her and said, “I’m going.”  I think I then just looked down at my pants seeing how wet they were getting.  I tried to pull my shirt out to cover.  She commented on that later.    So after I had gone, again, I didn’t know what to do.  She said I’d have to get out of the car.  Maybe they would, too.  She asked if I’d tell them what happened.  Yes.  She guessed I'd be quiet - yes again.  She remembered I get quiet when this happens.  And earlier, when I had to go I’d say we need to stop or I have to go to the bathroom or something.  Yes, I’d tell them.  I told her they might tease me about it.  She said they might say, “Again?” and such.  I said we’d look for  stop and what if it’s not for 20 miles.  And, later I said that maybe even pull over for me to go by the car if we could.  But it was too late for that now.  She said about the shirt.  To wear a long shirt to cover and pull it up before I needed it and down when I needed it.  I said I have to pull it over or it’ll get wet if it’s right on top (like I was doing today).    She told me to go to the bathroom to change – it’s more like real life what I’d have to do.  Now was fine.  Her partner is still in session and in 5 minutes it wouldn’t be good.  There’s no one out there.  She really knows what’s going on in her office!  So I left covering myself (taking the towel, trash bag and extra clothes with me – the ones from her drawer) and telling her not to look she said she wouldn’t and after I came back she said she didn’t look or see anything.  That’s when she noticed I kept wanting to cover up so that’s what I need to focus on.    So I went to the bathroom to change and came back.  I told her I felt like I just ran a marathon.  She knows how tough these are for me.  I told her this was the worst – the one I knew would be the hardest to do.  I think because, like the last one when I felt the shame, it’s that her (or anyone) is right there looking and watching.  I hate that!  She asked me what I learned from all of this.  I think I again said to have my clothes with me.   I told her that’s there’s 3 parts of me.  The first is I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t want to do the exposures, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to deal with this all anymore.  The second one is I’ll be fine.  I don’t have a problem, I won’t have any accidents, I won’t wet my bed, I don’t have to wear any protection.  It’s a denial.  The third one is good.  It’s the I’ll be fine and no matter what happens I’ll be able to handle it.  Like I keep thinking of those messages she leaves me when I go.  She said she’ll do it again and I told her I want her to leave me another one, too but we’ll talk later about it.  I didn’t talk to her yet about the phone calls.  We need to be able to connect better.    She thought what I said about those 3 parts are wonderful that I talked about it.  She said to be like that third one is great.  I said yes but the first and second try to creep themselves in.  She said about the second one there’s a movie called “Doubt”.  I think what she said is there another nun – not the strong one – that is in denial and that’s not good because this movie is about child abuse.  I’m not sure exactly what she was saying but I think I need to see the movie – I never have.  I rented it tonight and hope to watch it tomorrow.  Before I left I thought I better say something about this.  I told her I don’t know if she remembers or not but last time (last year) to get me to even wear “Big Bertha” or whatever she put one on, too.  And when she did she told me she would go in it, too.  I told her I wouldn’t want to be doing that but if she wants to feel what it’s like she could but it’s up to her.  I asked her if she remembered telling me that.  She said she did and said she’d have to think about it.  I told her I’m telling her now because I don’t know when I’m going to do it but so she can maybe not go to the bathroom before.  I told her I couldn’t believe she said she’d do that and at the time last year I told her she didn’t’ have to.  She said she’d have to bring extra clothes.  I told her not the pad.  She looked doubtful and I said, “In case it didn’t work or leak?”  Yes.  She wouldn’t want to be caught with wet pants I’m sure.  I guess she’s doubtful how much they actually hold and maybe she thinks she goes more than me.  Maybe once she started going she wouldn’t be able to stop it and she sees how sometimes these products don’t work completely for me.  We’ve yet to try this year the diaper, yet and that’s what she’d be wearing too.  She knew I was going to the massage therapist after.  I didn’t know if she was here because I didn’t see her when I went to the bathroom.  She said she is – something about doing something with the other massage therapist earlier.  Either she knows everything that’s going on in her office – how can she? – or she looks out the window a lot.  I don’t see her doing that.  Either she glances here and there and I don’t see it or does when I go to the bathroom.    I told her the last time I saw the massage therapist she didn’t do that experimental thing on me because she thought it would be too long and she’d have to keep referring back to the book.  I said that I trust she didn’t tell her anything.  No.  She said any time I’m ready I should tell her.  That she could help me and be looking for things and ways to help me.  That she’ll know what to look for for people like me.  I told her I didn’t think there were people like me.  She kind of laughed at me.  One of those things you had to be there.    I told her I’m trying to work up to ½ hour before my trip and haven’t been able to.  She asked if it would be a massage with my clothes off or not.  I didn’t know – maybe without.  She said it’ll probably be like that on my trip and  reminded me of the robe that’s there.  Very comforting.  I told her when it was longer that one time, I did go to the bathroom between – and she talks a lot!  She told me to enjoy my massage.  I looked at my bags and commented I didn’t want to carry all this into her.  “It’ll be fine,” she told me.  I glanced at my towel and mumbled something about I could have been swimming.  It was in the “shooing me out” stage she gets in so she didn’t say anything.   So I went to the massage therapist and in between I did go to the bathroom but my regular therapist didn’t know I did that again.  She said something about the meridian bladder (around my ankles) and a time chart with bladder around 3-5PM.  I just asked in general but didn’t dare tell her.  I know I should.  I know my therapist wants me to because who knows maybe she can help me with that.  But, no I’m too scared and embarrassed and once the can is open – it’s open forever.  When I left, my therapist was right there out in the hallway by the filing cabinets.  I know she heard my voice saying bye to my massage therapist but she didn’t turn around.  I could practically touch her when I left – that’s how close it was.  You know – I don’t exist outside of the one hour time block.  And, besides that, maybe she didn’t want to talk to me – again it’s outside that one hour time block.  Oh, well.   I went home and came back to babysit my little grandson there.  It went fine – not much interaction with her at all.  She did look at me.  Sometimes she’s so focused on them it’s like I’m invisible.  She saw my grandson first and when he came out and she got my daughter and her boyfriend he had pick up sticks he said he wanted to play with me.  She looked at me like if I want to and know how, but she thinks I do.  I stood up to sit down on the floor with him and said, sure I will.  She is not going to see them all together for about 6 weeks – the end of June.  She’s just going to see my daughter’s boyfriend and his little girl every other week for 3 times.  So I’m not needed.  I feel bad because I like going and having that special time with them.  I also like to feel needed.  I have to not take it personally.  I’ll miss going but hopefully will go again at the end of June – unless they stop therapy all together by then.  Well, I have my twice a week but I have to get through that whole week she’ll be gone right before my girl trip.  Ok, so now I’m almost wanting to get into that shame mode again.  It’s all these exposure therapies and actually wetting my pants so many times and so close together.  I have to keep telling myself they are not real, they didn’t happen in real life and we are just practicing.  It’s her seeing so much that bothers me.  And, really how tired of it is she?  I know we need to do more exposures and experiments but we also just need to talk, too.  I’m hoping we won’t run out of time before the trip.  I almost want to get into the ‘I don’t want to go’ or the denial bit like I talked about.  I have to keep thinking positively and know pretty soon the trip will be here and gone.  This won’t go on forever.  I just can’t get myself upset over all the accidents or worry about all the future accidents.  Right?  Right!