Doom, Dispair, and Dismemberment.

O LORD, rebuke me not in thine anger, neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.  Have mercy upon me, O LORD; for I am weak: O LORD, heal me; for my bones are vexed.  My soul is also sore vexed: but thou, O LORD, how long?  Return, O LORD, deliver my soul: oh save me for thy mercies' sake. For in death there is no remembrance of thee: in the grave who shall give thee thanks? I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.  Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies. Depart from me, all ye workers of iniquity; for the LORD hath heard the voice of my weeping.  The LORD hath heard my supplication; the LORD will receive my prayer.  Let all mine enemies be ashamed and sore vexed: let them return and be ashamed suddenly.I can't say much - my lawyer has advised me most strongly to say nothing about anything to anyone.  But I can and will say - I figure I've got about a 30% chance of the absolute case scenario happening to me, and that's with a fair trial.  And I understand the nature of the worst case scenario - and I am certain I would rather be dead.  Seppoku - Death before dishonor.I am struck gutless.  I feel like my intestines and vicera have been hollowed out of my abdomen.  I long for the moments of shock, of catatonia, where my brain and nerves simply refuse to process input.  And then I have to drag myself out of that blissful state in order to accomplish anything.  It takes me 20 minutes to build up the strength to forward an email on to my lawyer.  And another 30 to recover from it.  And time is of the essence.I can't even accurately describe the depth of the danger I face.  So everyone who doesn't know is going to once more assume I'm wallowing in misery and depression without cause.  My dad's the only one who knows, but he keeps encouraging me to not spend so much time worrying about the worst case, and instead hope for the best.I don't dare hope for the best.  Every time I hope for the best, I'm hurt worse than if I simply expected the worst.  I've got my head screwed on straight.  It's the people around me who keep blowing up indescriminately, with no concern for the impact their choices have on others.  And no, I'm not blaming the others for my ownfaults, either.  I contacted my friend at the theatre to see if she had gotten wind of any of this, and had been trying to protect me from terrible fallout.  She assured me she had not, and it had nothing to do with her banishing me from the company.  She made that choice entirely on her own.  Which... is actually worse.I want so much more than a random internet stranger to understand.  I want someone to actually appreciate all the pain I'm in, the horror, the terror, the dread.  I want someone to come to tears at what has come to me, and then cling to them as we share the weight of the storm together.My wife has been reading all my emails.  Saving what she wants.  As evidence, she claims, in case we should divorce.  She told me in case it'll come in handy.  Which I appreciate.  But can't forgive.  Not without a lot of remorse.  She's been following my posts on here, too.  I can't imagine how that would help her case.  I've admitted to her to being unfaithful, and accused her openly of being abusive.  There is no new information to be gathered.  She told me 'I hope you don't feel like this is abusive of me.  I hope you don't use this as a weapon against me.'  'I only did it because you weren't telling me the whole truth.'  'I was wrong to stalk you, and I admit it's something I need to work on with my therapist.'Guess what, honey - if you're reading these words, you feel no remorse, because you're still doing it.I'm so afraid.  And the betrayal doesn't help.  None of them do.