Dont know where to go now

It's been well over a month since he last contacted me.  I have to accept that he is done with me and will possibly never talk to me again.  I know what Larry and Norma have told me about my future with him but I can't dwell on that and have to move on.  Even if its alone.  He stood up against Jay at the Firehouse when Jay told Rayna that she couldn't come into the bar without a valid id, knowing that she wasn't 21.  Spank ranted and made a scene and Curtis let her in since she is a "regular" there.  Spank doesn't care that Jay and Curtis could get into major trouble if excise came in.  He doesn't care.  He doesn't care about himself even.  She was driving his jeep around yesterday when he was supposed to be at work.  Don't know if he is riding with someone or is he not going or is he in jail.  I know I shouldn't worry about it. He chose this life over the one he could have had with me. He just has to live with it. He is no good to me right now.  He is not the loving Spanky that I fell for, he is someone darker, more sinister and more lost.  I don't need someone like him.  I need MY Spanky back.  The loving, sweet, happy, positive Spanky.  Will he ever re-surface?  No- don't worry about it!  If it happens, it happens.  Until then I have to get things done for me.  And start working out again!!  I look like i'm preggers! Wouldn't that throw a wrench into their little lie, i mean life!!!!  Ok, had my ven session, now time to move on for the day.  After all, have to be there for Kel.  She's gonna need lots of support right now.