Done with Love other than for my kids and God!

Three strikes, I'm out!  I am so over this whole man/woman love thing.  I have decided it is just a fantasy that will never be a reality for me.  The good news is I am OK with that.  I have tried actually more than three times.  I loved, I gave, I tried, I got used , lied to and shit on, EVERY TIME!!  I guess it just wasn't meant to be for me.  I know I am worthy of it.  I know I am a wonderful woman with a giant heart!  I have much to offer only problem is men see my qualities such as, cooking, making a good living, being a good mother, houskeeper, etc... they have just never seen ME!  I am 49 years old.  My prettiest days are behind me.  I don't know if it is my looks, weight or what it is that keeps men from loving me as a woman, as a person but there is obviously something that will not allow a man to find and love the real person I am.  I am tired of giving and not receiving.  It hurts to feel rejected and used.  It does get easier to accept each time it happens.  I guess I have learned to expect it. Sad but true!  I got two wonderful children out of my failures so my pain was not for nothing.  I would go through it all again to have them.  I am quicker to see the reality and emotionally check out.  I don't keep kicking the dead horse as I have in the past, just prolonging the inevitable.  It still hurts just not as bad.  I don't invest as much I guess.  I don't want to ever invest again.  Not in a one on one man/woman love affair.  I have lost my ability to trust or accept what appears to be love from a man.  I just think what does He want from me?? When I break free from this nightmare I am in I will never look back or try for the fantasy again.  I am sure of that.  I will live alone or with a friend or my children until I die and I will be OK with that.  The worst part of this time around is that it is over, so over and yet we still are stuck living together.  It is numbing.  I feel nothing but I wish he would leave.  He still wants it to work, cause it is good for him.  He knows I want no part of it.  We have days or hours at least where we laugh or smile and it just sucks cause for that little bit of time I see how it could have been if the asshole cared about me. I know he doesn't. He has done terrible things to me that you could not do to someone you gave a shit about (stealing, lying, using ...).  I just want to be free from him.  I just want to shake him and ask him why would you get to know me, hear all I have been through in my life and yet use me as you did anyway?  Why would you add another chapter of pain to my life, just for a place to stay?? Are you not human? Do you not have any compassion for me as a person?  You didn't have to lie and pretend! You knew from the get go you would never love me and yet to this day you are still telling me the crulest lie of all (I love you!!). Stop it please, just stop it.  It is what it is.  We are stuck together because neither of us can afford to leave.  As soon as one of us has a way out, you know we are done, just like I do! Please stop the game. I hate it. It hurts!  It just reminds me everyday that I choose wrong again and I got taken again.  I'm dumb. I know, just stop rubbing salt in the wound be keeping up the act!!  I don't love you and you don't love me, face it. I have!!  I want to make  a full life for myself, full of family and friends and people who love ME not what I can provide for them.  At least that kind of love is real.  Never had real love from a man. NEVER!  Oh well guess it just wasn't meant to be for me.  Lots of people die without finding it I guess.  Those who have it, I hope, know how lucky they are.  The part that sucks is I have given all of these loosers in my life, the gift of being truely loved by a good woman and they were not deserving of such a gift.  I have always loved for real and each will always have a part of my heart even though they are unworthy.  Maybe that is why I won't try again.  Not enough of my heart left to let in another.  This last one took the last little bit I had left to give.  I will survive. I have to, I have kids.  I will love them and friends but never a man again.  A man would have to spend more years than I probably have left on earth trying to prove their love for me for me to even consider it so I don't see much hope.  No man would try that hard to love me!