Don't wanna
I don't want to be here anymore. Here...as in...on this planet. I don't plan on doing anything about it....no hurting myself...but my first thought many mornings is "Damn. I woke up." 2 years later and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that I will never see my brother again. I am having trouble remembering his voice.
There is so much loss. Every single one of my friends has either moved far away or will be moving. What am I supposed to do without them. Being with them is the only time I am whole, the only fun I have, the only time I smile. Knowing those times are gone forever just might kill me.
Dealing with my mother has beome the biggest joke of all. I am tired of her hystrionics and her drama. She has never been there for us. Yet I run for her. I put up with her complaints, her demands and her treating me like dirt. Her cancer is back, and I keep reminding myself of that as she hurts me over and over. I keep reminding myself that I am a grown woman and can rise above it all. But today it took all I could muster to not get in her face and tell her what I think of her behavior. Instead I came home and screamed myself hoarse.
I have spent close to 40 years being everybodies caretaker...especially hers. And for most of those years she really did not need help. ..but a person gets tired of hearing..."I can't DO this....I'm sorry I'm so stupid!" OMG!! I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!
This is a horrible horrible life!!!!
There is so much loss. Every single one of my friends has either moved far away or will be moving. What am I supposed to do without them. Being with them is the only time I am whole, the only fun I have, the only time I smile. Knowing those times are gone forever just might kill me.
Dealing with my mother has beome the biggest joke of all. I am tired of her hystrionics and her drama. She has never been there for us. Yet I run for her. I put up with her complaints, her demands and her treating me like dirt. Her cancer is back, and I keep reminding myself of that as she hurts me over and over. I keep reminding myself that I am a grown woman and can rise above it all. But today it took all I could muster to not get in her face and tell her what I think of her behavior. Instead I came home and screamed myself hoarse.
I have spent close to 40 years being everybodies caretaker...especially hers. And for most of those years she really did not need help. ..but a person gets tired of hearing..."I can't DO this....I'm sorry I'm so stupid!" OMG!! I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!
This is a horrible horrible life!!!!
Replies
Dear Diane,
Sometimes I feel the same way some mornings. I never thought my life would turn out this way with the estrangements. It feels like living in a nightmare and not waking up. You are NOT alone! Don\'t give up. You are as entitled as anyone else to honor and respect, as well as happiness. Please talk to us on the site. We are here for each other.
Best wishes,
Greg
I GUESS A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY. I DON\'T THINK TOO MANY OF US THINK WE\'LL END UP THE WAY WE DO-EITHER US OR THE ONES WE LOVE.
I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS BECAUSE SOMETIMES THAT\'S THEONLY THING THAT HELPS. I HHOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON. HAVE A BLESSED AFTERNOON. HUGS, CHRIS
Life is not always easy. It can hurt, but we can learn from it. Often makes us stronger people as we face the challenges. None of us knows whats ahead for us. Be gentle with yourself, some things in life we cant change. Know its stressful, but we only get one mum. She may not be coping well herself with this. Don\'t know if you pray, but that\'s where to ask for strength and love to get through this.
Take care
Some people have commented and hugged but have their pages set to private so I am updating here. I have been going to a grief group, the only one nearby. I am the only one there who lost a sibling...the moderator seems baffled that I have not brought my mother along so that she can deal as well. This has me really angry. My mother went to a grief group when it first happened. I choose not to go with her...knowing that siblings are the forgotten grievers....and knowing that she was very obviously in pain....I was afraid that my pain would have not seemed that important. So by saying what she said...this moderator discounted MY pain from the very beginning. As far as the cancer...I an sure it is a terrifying experience, which is why I keep going back to help her. But I have been her whipping boy way before the cancer reared it\'s ugly head. I have come right out and said that I would love for us to have a better relationship before it\'s too late. But it is going to take 2 to do that....she is obviously not interested.
I know how you feel.
When my dad died I was 22. He was the ONLY person in the world I was in the least close or attached to (I know now that I really wasn\'t even that attached to him....).
Anyway.....so everyone kept asking how my mother was doing. My mother....the one that was trying to get rid of all of his stuff while he was still lying sick and dying in bed... My pain was totally dismissed.
I have been depresed at some leavel or a nother all my life ..and have never wanted to be here untill I hit 50 ..than for some reason I desided I wanted to be hrer ..I went through a lot ...............over the years befor that ...........like you I wasent going to hurt my self ....for many years ...but I got real bad ..and tried ..somthing realy stupid and was interrupted ...and I just snaped out of ware ever my head was ....and I relized I dident want to die I just wanted out of the pain .....it still took me a few years to get help ...and ..I just ended up in the hospital ....ended up with ..a good ..phicatrist ..and ..he told me if I ever want to get better ..that I had to be number one and my h number two ..and the rest dident count .....and it worked ........you are going to have to look after you first ...you have people who toxic around you ....you have to limit your time with these people ...or demand respect from them ..or you won\'t be visiting them and they won\'t be welcome at your place ..and see what happenes ........I am very sorry about your friends moving away ......I am sorry to here you lost a sibling ....I lost my brother .....it was very hard on me for a long time .....somthings fade but the love never fades .....the moderator....does not know what they are talking about ..........there is no reason that you would need to take any member of your family ..with you when you are trying to get help .because of the loss of your sibling ....you are going there for you ...not for someone else ......they were wrong to disregard your pain ...your feelings ...I am sorry you had to go through that ....I hope you told her your mother already went for the greaf councling .......maby it might make a diferance .....I will keep you in my prayers ....take good care of your self ..God bless