Don't sweat the small stuff

Amazingly I can't really clearly remember any more violent episodes, these were the first big ones, the others were so minor in comparison. There were days I would wake up to him literally choking me....once because troy had gotten his license back which must have meant I was sleeping with him again, I still don't get the logic of this accusation since I hadn't been allowed at this point to speak to him for years, and he is my son's father, but I guess that's the point....there is no logic to this. Two black eyes because he punched a fan into my face because I refused to agree with his assessment of my character flaws. That time was the first I realized that my co-workers and bosses were more aware than I thought, I was called into the owners office that next day and told if I didn't leave him they were going to fire me. After that I lied to them and told them I wasn't with him anymore. Broken phones because I shouldn't be on it when he was home, or because he swore I was talking about him. A broken entertainment center because I served the kids dinner before him. Broken dishes, ripped up clothes, small bruises from where he would grab me....to get me to listen. Being kicked in the floor from a dead sleep because he had decided he wanted sex while I was sleeping and I want cooperating, or hell even if he couldn't perform that was my fault too. The cars that mysteriously broke down if he sensed he was losing control. The debts I racked up because of something he did. The lies I told to protect myself and the kids from his form of discipline. The activities I had to take my kids out of because they cut into my duties at home. And through it all...the constant criticism, silent treatment, over the top rages for no apparent reason, the statements designed to inflict the most damage, the threats...always there sometimes implied, sometimes out right. The money he took from me if he knew I had any, which was never paid back and god forbid I should ask about it, the money he cost me, the refusal to help with anything for me or the kids as we weren't his responsibility, and then his attacks on my kids. Most of the time he would just tell me what was wrong with our kids, whichof course was because I was such an awful parent. I pray they never heard him and that if they did, they didn't think that my silence was agreement, I just knew that if I defended then he would start directly on them. Twice he tried to choke my son for"disrespecting him", which wasn't at all the case. He yelled obscene things at my kids, about their weight, their character, whatever he could just because he was angry with me. I lied to myself that they were not seeing, that my love and attention was enough to make up for his failings, neglect, and abuse.