Don't let the name fool you.

The Meaning of "Sage" 1. "having, showing, or indicating profound wisdom." I am still trying to live up to the meaning.  I am in a dark place right now and must make a life altering decision and there is no way to get around it.  I lost someone I dearly loved last night.

It hurt so much this morning that I feel like they died.  I'm in shock.  But the way it happened was they called me out on the state I'm in, called me a "Head Case" and told me to have a great life.  I can't say that i blame them.  I haven't been living authentically for the last several months.  For me to begin living authentically again, I must move out of the current situation and thrust myself into peril again, meaning, in order to have a place to live, I will have to sleep in my car again for a couple of months till I have enough money saved up.  I'm scared.  I don't want my life in any danger.  I did this for a month.  Yesterday at work, I began to mentally shut down.  I beleive this is my safe place to go when I am coping.  

I reached out to a so called "friend" who said he would help me.  But he never calls...so I question if this friend is really a friend and why would he want to help me?  He also said he expects to get something in return when he does things for people.  Is this friend really a friend?  

I have started shutting my phone off more and more and disengaging in any correspondance with anyone.  It's as if I'm going into the woods for awhile.  I sent an email to my brother yesterday apoligizing for being so weak minded.  I take full responsibility of where I am now.  Noone made the past decisions for me.  I think I need to disengage for ahile and just journal and be by myself.

I am looking into storage units today.  I figured I would as before put my things in storage while I'm sleeping in my car and try and establish a routine.