Don't know why I'm feeling anxious....

So, I know I haven't been on here in MONTHS, but I just need to get this out. I don't know why when I think about being in another relationship with someone I get very anxious and nervous. I'm not even seeing anyone, and I have had a few crushes here or there. The problem is when I start thinking about my parents it stops me from doing anything. I think back on how they treated me when I was in 9th grade and how they treated me when I was dating one boyfriend. Then all the little bits in between. I start to tear up and start thinking that no one will want to deal with all this baggage that I still have attached to me. I've just recently gotten out of a relationship and one of the things he blamed me for was my parents not liking him when I had nothing to do with that. My parents can be terrible people and quite petty, but that has nothing to do with me. Then I start thinking well I have other baggage besides my parents and I don't know if someone would want to deal with all that. Then I start thinking that my ex-boyfriend was probably the only person who would deal with it and understand everything. Then again we didn't have a healthy relationship so I have to remind myself that it was best that we broke up. I wasn't good for him and he wasn't good for me. 

I think my problem is that I know my parents, but no one else does. Sometimes, I feel glad about that because I don't have to have anyone's pity then again when people start talking about how great my parents are I'm just like, you have no idea. I do think our relationship has only gotten better because I'm away at college and rarely home. However, my little brother is still there. I think he's better at ignoring them then I am and I can't wait to go back home to see him. We're going to be making our very first gingerbread house.

This journal is very rambly, but my feelings are everywhere because I know the things my parents have done and what they're capable of. I know how they are and I get anxious about having others find out so I make them into the best parents they can be. It gets tiring trying to keep up the illusion when I know the real them. The only others who know the real them are my little brother and my ex-boyfriend, and it's only because they've dealt with them first hand. I love my parents, I really do and I appreciate that they've taken care of me... It's just I wish a lot of things were done differently. I also don't think I can live with them for more than three months at a time. Three is the limit because that's summer vacation, and now I'm close to graduating and I just think it'll be better for our relationship if we just don't live together. But that's a fight I'm not prepared for yet.

I haven't been doing too good emotionally or mentally, but I'm getting there. I know I'll get better soon. Poetry helps a lot for me. It helps me get out my raw feelings on paper and out of me or at least helps me manage my emotions more. I have a hard time expressing myself, and I think because of my home life I'm either a shy person or an angry bitch when meeting new people. Sometimes, a mean angry bitch to my friends who strangely don't have a problem with that. I think it's because we all kind of act the same. Which is actually bad...

But anyway, I should be on here more since this helps me get out my emotions as well.