Don't Do Their Dishes
A million years ago, in practically another life, I went to visit a friend who was struggling with depression. There was a lot of crap going on in her life and she was refusing medication and she was making some pretty poor life choices and... well. I just wanted her to know that I was there for her - literally, not just in some vague "call me anytime" way - so I went to her state and visited.
I told her up front I didn't expect her to clean her house or play hostess or entertain me, cos, well, dang. That's just WORK. I know when I'm depressed, getting out of bed and showering can seem overwhelming. That said, I was absolutely SHOCKED at just how bad her house had gotten. I mean. Woah. I am The Clutter Queen, even on the best of days, but this was... filthy. I'm not talking about, "Geeze, dust your ceiling fan, already," I'm talking... crusted on food left on dishes EVERYWHERE (even the bathroom!?!) Piles of clothing throughout the house, even in the hallway, to the point where one couldn't walk from point A to point B without having to trip/step/climb through it. I didn't know any single family could even OWN that much clothing.
I didn't say a word. I didn't criticize or fuss. I did, however, load her dishwasher while we were sitting and chatting in the kitchen. Honestly, it was just something to do with my hands while we chit chatted, and wasn't even a judgment on her. (If I were going to make some sort of, "hey, you should DO something about this!" statement, I'd have started by throwing all of the clothing piles into her laundry room so I could safely walk around the house.)
Oh. My. You'd have thought I killed her cat or something. Seriously. She threw a total hissy fit at the way that I was loading the dishwasher. "NO! I don't like the silverware like that - they'll nest!" "Ugh, you might as well hand wash everything if you're going to rinse it THAT much!" I mean. Like. Woah. Just. Freaking. Woah. I was just trying to keep myself busy - and yeah, I guess I was hoping it was a HELPFUL gesture, but not-so-much apparently.
Later, while she was napping, I finished loading and then unloaded and put all the dishes away so she wouldn't know I did them all "wrong" - whatever that means. I cleaned her kitchen top to bottom while she slept because once I get rolling, it's just easier to keep going. No regrets - her kids and husband deserved (and frankly needed) it. She didn't complain once it was done, just did the usual, "You didn't have to do that..." kinda stuff.
I know that at least some of these issues are hers, but it's always itched at me.
Yesterday, I was invited to a gathering and while I was there, I took the liberty of rinsing all the dishes. The host doesn't have a dishwasher, and... well. Frankly. Dishes are the bane of their household. They have the MOST inefficient system for washing/drying dishes - nevermind ever putting them away. There are always stacks and piles of dishes "drying" everywhere. There's very little counter space, and what little there is has been taken up by these piles of dishes. Honestly, half the time I can't tell what's clean and what's dirty. I have washed dishes there before when they got overwhelming because my friend hosts a LOT of gatherings and clearly the dishes are pretty overwhelming to them. I'm TRYING to be nice, you know? To thank them for hosting. Plus : I was taught to be a good guest. I was taught to help prep food, clean up, distract/entertain younger kids... just to make myself useful, you know?
During the process of rinsing the dishes, the hostess got all fussy at me. "Oh, don't stack them there...." and yet didn't tell me WHERE to stack them? And then she kept flailing around behind me saying, "Well don't BREAK anything!" when a fork (A FORK!!) slipped out of my hands and went crashing into the sink.
I gave up at that point.
Look, I worked as a dishwasher at my dad's restaurant from ages 11-15. I KNOW HOW TO WASH DISHES. But I get it, everyone is fussy in their own way.
I think maybe I need to let other people deal with their own shit and stop trying to help. It's clearly not appreciated and I'm clearly getting my own panties in a bunch when people "correct" me. I sort of wonder if this doesn't apply in a general, blanket kind of way to all things in my life.
I told her up front I didn't expect her to clean her house or play hostess or entertain me, cos, well, dang. That's just WORK. I know when I'm depressed, getting out of bed and showering can seem overwhelming. That said, I was absolutely SHOCKED at just how bad her house had gotten. I mean. Woah. I am The Clutter Queen, even on the best of days, but this was... filthy. I'm not talking about, "Geeze, dust your ceiling fan, already," I'm talking... crusted on food left on dishes EVERYWHERE (even the bathroom!?!) Piles of clothing throughout the house, even in the hallway, to the point where one couldn't walk from point A to point B without having to trip/step/climb through it. I didn't know any single family could even OWN that much clothing.
I didn't say a word. I didn't criticize or fuss. I did, however, load her dishwasher while we were sitting and chatting in the kitchen. Honestly, it was just something to do with my hands while we chit chatted, and wasn't even a judgment on her. (If I were going to make some sort of, "hey, you should DO something about this!" statement, I'd have started by throwing all of the clothing piles into her laundry room so I could safely walk around the house.)
Oh. My. You'd have thought I killed her cat or something. Seriously. She threw a total hissy fit at the way that I was loading the dishwasher. "NO! I don't like the silverware like that - they'll nest!" "Ugh, you might as well hand wash everything if you're going to rinse it THAT much!" I mean. Like. Woah. Just. Freaking. Woah. I was just trying to keep myself busy - and yeah, I guess I was hoping it was a HELPFUL gesture, but not-so-much apparently.
Later, while she was napping, I finished loading and then unloaded and put all the dishes away so she wouldn't know I did them all "wrong" - whatever that means. I cleaned her kitchen top to bottom while she slept because once I get rolling, it's just easier to keep going. No regrets - her kids and husband deserved (and frankly needed) it. She didn't complain once it was done, just did the usual, "You didn't have to do that..." kinda stuff.
I know that at least some of these issues are hers, but it's always itched at me.
Yesterday, I was invited to a gathering and while I was there, I took the liberty of rinsing all the dishes. The host doesn't have a dishwasher, and... well. Frankly. Dishes are the bane of their household. They have the MOST inefficient system for washing/drying dishes - nevermind ever putting them away. There are always stacks and piles of dishes "drying" everywhere. There's very little counter space, and what little there is has been taken up by these piles of dishes. Honestly, half the time I can't tell what's clean and what's dirty. I have washed dishes there before when they got overwhelming because my friend hosts a LOT of gatherings and clearly the dishes are pretty overwhelming to them. I'm TRYING to be nice, you know? To thank them for hosting. Plus : I was taught to be a good guest. I was taught to help prep food, clean up, distract/entertain younger kids... just to make myself useful, you know?
During the process of rinsing the dishes, the hostess got all fussy at me. "Oh, don't stack them there...." and yet didn't tell me WHERE to stack them? And then she kept flailing around behind me saying, "Well don't BREAK anything!" when a fork (A FORK!!) slipped out of my hands and went crashing into the sink.
I gave up at that point.
Look, I worked as a dishwasher at my dad's restaurant from ages 11-15. I KNOW HOW TO WASH DISHES. But I get it, everyone is fussy in their own way.
I think maybe I need to let other people deal with their own shit and stop trying to help. It's clearly not appreciated and I'm clearly getting my own panties in a bunch when people "correct" me. I sort of wonder if this doesn't apply in a general, blanket kind of way to all things in my life.
Replies
Maybe your just helping the wrong peeps. Hell! Come wash my dishes, I promise not to complain. I was raised the same way. If a friend is sick or going through something or even having a party, you help. Period you just help. Cleaning and doing errands are key areas I\'ve been taught to help.
LOL I\'d be glad to wash your dishes. As long as I don\'t have to put them away. (My own personal bane.)
Sigh. I just feel like I try and try and TRY to help people and get slapped in the face for trying. As my grandma would say, \"If it\'s \"EVERYONE ELSE\" maybe it isn\'t...\" so I have to think that maybe I\'m the one stepping on toes.
Or everyone else is just stupid and that\'s why their lives are such a mess cos they don\'t listen to ME. ;) Ok. Probably not. Heheh.