Don't care about much...
I can't find the energy to care about much of anything right now. I could care less about myself. I could care less if I live or die. The person I am closest to in my life (my Wife) cannot understand what is happening to me. My depression and isolation makes her angry. I asked her to try and cut me some slack. She said she already is and that most women would have left me by now.
She says I am not the same person that she fell in love with. She believes that the medications I am taking are not helping. She doesn't like the fact I am on so many meds. She said to me about a week ago that she didn't want to deal with this (my depression) for the next 20 or 30 years. I separated from her because I didn't want her to have to deal with me and I couldn't take any more of the anger and blame.
So here I sit at my Dad's house. My Wife says I am not meeting her needs. I can't even meet my own needs. All of my feelings are gone except for this deep dark depression. I feel like a ghost. I feel that what I need is not important anymore. I really want to die. I feel like saying that is such a fucking cliche. I hate myself. I am self destructive and revel in the ruins of my life. I am strangely comfortable here. I am home.
She says I am not the same person that she fell in love with. She believes that the medications I am taking are not helping. She doesn't like the fact I am on so many meds. She said to me about a week ago that she didn't want to deal with this (my depression) for the next 20 or 30 years. I separated from her because I didn't want her to have to deal with me and I couldn't take any more of the anger and blame.
So here I sit at my Dad's house. My Wife says I am not meeting her needs. I can't even meet my own needs. All of my feelings are gone except for this deep dark depression. I feel like a ghost. I feel that what I need is not important anymore. I really want to die. I feel like saying that is such a fucking cliche. I hate myself. I am self destructive and revel in the ruins of my life. I am strangely comfortable here. I am home.
Replies
So, last night my Wife texted she said \"This has become such a mess. I\'m sorry I haven\'t given you what you need\". So this kinda threw me. It is fairly out of character for her especially in the last few years.
The problem is this. I have heard this kind of thing before and for a while things get better and she is more understanding. I start to feel a little better. But she always ends up getting fed up again when I get depressed. I really want to believe her. I want to believe this is a hopeful sign. But I can\'t because it always seems to go wrong after a while. I guess I will have to wait and see.
I\'m just tired of this cycle of her getting frustrated then mad at me because of my depression. It is so taxing and in the mean time I am getting worse.
I\'m going to see my Wife today for lunch. I don\'t know how I feel about it. I always hope things will go well. The problem is she can\'t seem to be around me without bringing up something that ends up in an argument. I guess that is the part that I am dreading.
Our marriage counselor has instructed us that if a conversation gets heated we need to have it in a session. She said that right now we need to work on re-connecting by keeping things light. Kind of like dating which again sounds good to me. The problem as I have stated above is that she won\'t follow our counselors advice.
There is no way to deal with this for me. I try to calm things down and repeat what our counselor said. I guess that is why I am kind of dreading going to lunch with her today. I wish I didn\'t feel that way. It sucks.