Dominick's due date
It's been a while since I've written a journal here, I've been writing a lot in my personal journal the past couple months. I have had some really bad weeks where everything feels out of control and feelings of deep desperation come over me. I've never felt desperate like this before, it's like I'm drowning in my daily life. It has been so horrible and DH has been so great, but I feel bad telling him the bad, scary feelings I have. Fortunately, I have reached out to people around me. Not my friends, they certainly don't understand. But to my pastor and to counselors and other angel moms.
I always knew I was lucky, blessed in life. I didn't take it for granted but I also didn't ever consider that it could flip on me. I still have plenty to be grateful for, but dealing with this kind of loss has just totally rocked my sense of sensibility. Life has a different feel to me now. Along with this new perspective comes thoughts of how easy it would be to leave this world. Terrible thing to think about, but so true. And how easy it would be to lose others close to me. My husband for example, I have always known how lucky I was to have found him and to have such a perfect mate. As a little girl I always dreamed of the perfect partner, the perfect friend for life that I could one day marry. And I found him. After losing our baby I now think of how horrible it would be to lose my best friend and love of my life. I hate when these thoughts come into my head, but the possibility of losing him feels so much more plausible now. Now that I've experienced such a deep, close, personal loss.
Tomorrow is Dominick's due date. I can't believe it's here. I can't believe we lost him. I have been a weepy wreck for weeks now. I just want my baby, I want him safe in my arms. God, please watch over my baby boy. Tell him I love him so much.
I always knew I was lucky, blessed in life. I didn't take it for granted but I also didn't ever consider that it could flip on me. I still have plenty to be grateful for, but dealing with this kind of loss has just totally rocked my sense of sensibility. Life has a different feel to me now. Along with this new perspective comes thoughts of how easy it would be to leave this world. Terrible thing to think about, but so true. And how easy it would be to lose others close to me. My husband for example, I have always known how lucky I was to have found him and to have such a perfect mate. As a little girl I always dreamed of the perfect partner, the perfect friend for life that I could one day marry. And I found him. After losing our baby I now think of how horrible it would be to lose my best friend and love of my life. I hate when these thoughts come into my head, but the possibility of losing him feels so much more plausible now. Now that I've experienced such a deep, close, personal loss.
Tomorrow is Dominick's due date. I can't believe it's here. I can't believe we lost him. I have been a weepy wreck for weeks now. I just want my baby, I want him safe in my arms. God, please watch over my baby boy. Tell him I love him so much.
Replies
Hey Lyndsey--
I\'m sorry you are having such a few tough weeks. I can relate as my due date is fast approaching-Oct. 6.
I don\'t have much words of advice, as I myself had a really shitty day today and am just over it and ready to go to bed. Just know that there is ALWAYS someone out there (here) who understands, and we are here for you. Wish I could give you a big hug right now--for me as much as for you!
Take care tomorrow-
Amber
Oh thinking of your precious Dominick right now as the clock turns 12. Please know this is so normal to feel this way, the ups and downs, the extreme lows, the scares, and so on. I think we used to see other people lose close ones and we would think(and I know for me)well that would never happen to me or at least not for a long time from now. Losing our babies have made it so real and made us realize we are not the untouchables. It can happen to us and why not. It sucks, life is not fair, but please remember to always reach out for help whenever you need it. We\'re here for you, you have a wonderful man at home, and don\'t ever be afraid to seek professional help. Losing our baby and their entire lives and futures is so big and can be too big to handle at times. I think we all feel this way. Of course, your due date being here isn\'t going to help.
Hopefully, you have something nice planned for you, your hubby, and Dominick. I will pray that you are able to find some moments of comfort tomorrow(today) and feel close to him. The days leading up to my due date were much worse than the actual day. I hope it\'s the same for you and you can feel a bit of a \"release\". Hang in there and please keep writing. We are here waiting , ready, and willing to talk about your Dominick or anything else you may need. Big hugs, Stacy
I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain right now. I have faith that this pain will get better and that our babies are safe with God. Thinking of you today.