Dominick's due date

It's been a while since I've written a journal here, I've been writing a lot in my personal journal the past couple months.  I have had some really bad weeks where everything feels out of control and feelings of deep desperation come over me.  I've never felt desperate like this before, it's like I'm drowning in my daily life.  It has been so horrible and DH has been so great, but I feel bad telling him the bad, scary feelings I have.  Fortunately, I have reached out to people around me.  Not my friends, they certainly don't understand.  But to my pastor and to counselors and other angel moms. 
I always knew I was lucky, blessed in life.  I didn't take it for granted but I also didn't ever consider that it could flip on me. I still have plenty to be grateful for, but dealing with this kind of loss has just totally rocked my sense of sensibility.  Life has a different feel to me now.  Along with this new perspective comes thoughts of how easy it would be to leave this world.  Terrible thing to think about, but so true.  And how easy it would be to lose others close to me. My husband for example, I have always known how lucky I was to have found him and to have such a perfect mate.  As a little girl I always dreamed of the perfect partner, the perfect friend for life that I could one day marry.  And I found him.  After losing our baby I now think of how horrible it would be to lose my best friend and love of my life.  I hate when these thoughts come into my head, but the possibility of losing him feels so much more plausible now.  Now that I've experienced such a deep, close, personal loss. 
Tomorrow is Dominick's due date.  I can't believe it's here.  I can't believe we lost him.  I have been a weepy wreck for weeks now. I just want my baby, I want him safe in my arms.  God, please watch over my baby boy. Tell him I love him so much.