Does the feeling ever go away.....?
It has been 4+ years since I first met TOTGTM. Ever since I have tried to distract myself from wanting her. Luckily we live far enough away that a visit is very difficult. She has wanted to fly up to see me and I say no each time. I know that seeing her at this point will only escalate things. We have built up so much desire over the years that I would snap, tearing off her clothes and carrying her off to bed. So now we purposefully avoid any daily contact. We only touch base occasionally to confirm we are still thinking of each other. It really is ridiculous. I have tried to focus on home life but realized that is what I am trying to escape. So now what?!? Get a divorce because I am restless? Not really a good option for my kids. So here I stay working and going through the motions. Grasping at moments of joy in life to keep me going. I have also realized that having an emotional affair "friend" helps keep me balanced. I know that is counter intuitive. I have tried to find distractions from TOTGTM and some have been fun. I have somehow avoided having sex with any of them. I have danced all around that edge of that abyss for sure! That is the line I have drawn for myself. I know that if I cross it I will be self medicating with affairs from that point on. Recently one "friend" offered me keys to her place and I again realized how I am flirting with disaster. I distract myself from TOTGTM with other women but thw reality is she and I would never work. I know that as I have known that for every prior relationship in my life that eventually ended. Despite that I desire her. That instant connection that I tried to push away. It is as if I need to go through the affair and breakup before my mind will let it go. Because of that I sometimes think I should have taken her that night and gotten it out of my system. Let things run their course and burn out. Maybe I am scared that it wouldn't burn out, then what?!? I would be more conflicted than I am now. Maybe.
So here I am flirting my way through life to distract myself from TOTGM, who distracts me from my home life. Ugh....
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I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid. Going back to when I was dating...mad about someone who wasn't all that into me and made it very clear. I spent three years in denial, three years refusing to fathom how he could possibly not want me when I was insane about him to the point of complete obsession. This was twenty years ago. In my experience, the feeling only goes away when it's replaced by reciprocated love. Which is what eventually happened when I met my husband.
You have a life, a wife, children. You have to think really long and hard if you want to destroy all that you have for essentially a fantasy. You will most likely not work out IRL..with its full laundry baskets, job stresses, bills to pay.. You don't know her well enough, have not spent enough time together, it being long distance..
Maybe you just need to get whatever 'it' is out of your system by having a passionate fling with someone you want and fancy. Please be very careful re: your wife. She can't find out. Unless you have an open marriage. But you wouldn't be posting here if you did..
What does TOTGTM stand for if I may ask? Whereabouts are you and how old are you if I may ask..
Why does it all have to be so difficult? Why can't we be like others.. one life long partner, met at 18, still together at 48, the thought of someone else never crossing their minds.. HOW? Do these people lie to themselves? Do they have the kind of self control we don't? Or do they lie to the world on forums saying 'I've never cheated on my wife/husband because I'm not an evil monster'.....
I do think some people handle the stresses of long term relationships better than others. Those of us on this forum don't handle it as well for sure. TOTGTM stands for "The One That Gets To Me". For many of us on this forum there is one person that started our weakness for extramarital attention.
I may not have explained how much time and contact I had with her during the first few years. We talked all the time and knew what was going on in our lives......for almost 2.5 years. That is part of why I hope you are able to end your contact with your TOTGTM before too much time makes it impossible to move on.
It's very possible to end the obsession but you know as well as the rest of us, NO CONTACT is a must. When my AP ended us my first thought was....how am I ever going to get over this. It took 5 full yrs & even now I still look at his fb page from time to time, but there is no desire to reconnect. One thing you must do is find something else to get totally involved in....something that takes your mind off of her. An idea that got me thru was maybe someday he & I could reconnect but not until I've completed the responsibilities in my life I committed to before he came along. That way you're not blaming every one & every thing for not being with the love of your life. A couple of years down the road you will cease the obsession with her. You'll come out of the "fog" & see the fantasy for what it was. Or you will make plans to be with her. But at least you'll know for sure. Good luck!
I agree no contact is the way to go. I haven't been able to thus far. When she moved in with a bf I was ready to say goodbye forever. She didn't want to and I agreed. If they get engaged it would be a natural move at that point. If I really wanted to go NC it would be easy but the reality is I don't want to.
I feel for you. The longest I achieved NC was 6 months but it was enough time for my brain to come down out of the clouds & see it for what it really was. Unfortunately we have to live in the real world. Eventually, I decided if I couldn't live my life the way I wanted with my H, I would get divorced & search for a new one but as we get older that seems out of reach. So here I am. No regrets.
NC is the only way.. and even then it takes YEARS.
Letting it all play out to 'get it out of your system' ended in emotional disaster for yours truly. I haven't figured out why one particular person 'gets' to us.. but I sometimes wish I never knew about it.
I actually just ended (all by myself, so proud) my "guy I talk to/emotional affair" after almost 7 years. Yes, 7 years. He saw me through many affair......didn't know the scope of things because I lied to him and only met him because of distance about a half dozen times in those 7 years.
He was a wonderful man. I wish him only the best. In fact, if we were both single we would go public and date (we often said that- he is definitely my type and he's a stand up guy) but it can't be and he's married with a beautiful family and so am I and it wears off.....
It was just time.
The feeling never leaves....but for me, the desire to act on that feeling has left...if that makes sense. Life is too short for the nonsense of all it entails.
I'm struggling with the same questions. What is missing in my marriage that makes me NEED the other person? Am l just delaying the inevitable divorce?
I too have children and actually love my husband, but it's not the same. When did we lose interest in each other? Why does he bore me now? It's like he can't even compete. Does this mean he's not right for me anymore?
These questions consume me daily and give me major anxiety.
Just like you, l just want things to go back to the way they were for my husband and l in the beginning. Wish l could do it all over again.
Those questions gnaw at me as well. I have a great time with my wife when it is just the two of us, normally. Add the stresses of our daily life and it changes everything. Most likely things would be the same with TOTGTM in the same situation but that doesn't change the desire.
I have spoken to others in this forum about this issue in depth. Wondering if monogamy isn't best for some of us. Are we just being selfish? Possibly....... Are we creating this desire to escape.......probably.
The 'right thing' is obvious but I am struggling to set my desires aside to do it.