Does It ever End: 26 Years Later Extreem Trigger Warning
It's been 26 Years and still between March 7 and March 28 I am consumed with pain, anger and a sense of being alone in this world that I have never been able to over come. It was 26 years ago on March 7 1986, that my sister Paula set off to hitch-hike to work as a CNA because a snow storm had left her ride stranded in her driveway. Paula never reach the the Nursing Home where she worked, she had been pick up by a man who would change all our lives forever.My Sister was older than I by only 16 months and we were as close in spirit as we were in age. Together Paula and I survived a childhood that could only be described as war zone, with a father who was later diagnosed as a social path and a mother who was so paralysed with her own fear that she was ineffective( stated as nicely as possible), we relied on one another's strengths and courage to get through our childhood.Even through I still had( and have) a mother and a younger bother, my sister was the only family I ever had and the only person that gave me reason to believe in or have in faith in humanity.
Any way, back to 1986, I was still a patient in the State Hospital because of a suicide attempted I had made 2 years prior (ironically on March 7), but had gotten a weekend pass to spend with a woman I was seeing at the time. When I returned to the Hospital that Monday I was greeted by my therapist and two mental health workers who ushered my into my therapist's office. It was there that I was informed that Paula was missing.The next three weeks were pure hell for me, see the previous December my sister had asked that I join her, her husband and their 2 year old daughter for Christmas that year and I had declined because I had received an offer to go with the young woman I was seeing to her family's house (had I only known I would never see or speak to my sister again).Then on March 28, 1986 ( ironically the same date I landed in the State Hospital 2 years prior)my world came to an end. An older couple taking a walk down a mountain road in the Savoy State Forest (Ma.) had found my sisters naked body thrown down an embankment on the side of the road. She had been held, abused for about a week and a half( according to the coroners report), then bound gagged and shot executioners style twice in the back of the head.
That would shape the man I would become for many years and I've done many things in which I hold no pride in.It is now 26 years later and still every March I am confronted with these demons and every March I look back and remember what was taken from me and how I now have to travel this road alone and empty.
Any way, back to 1986, I was still a patient in the State Hospital because of a suicide attempted I had made 2 years prior (ironically on March 7), but had gotten a weekend pass to spend with a woman I was seeing at the time. When I returned to the Hospital that Monday I was greeted by my therapist and two mental health workers who ushered my into my therapist's office. It was there that I was informed that Paula was missing.The next three weeks were pure hell for me, see the previous December my sister had asked that I join her, her husband and their 2 year old daughter for Christmas that year and I had declined because I had received an offer to go with the young woman I was seeing to her family's house (had I only known I would never see or speak to my sister again).Then on March 28, 1986 ( ironically the same date I landed in the State Hospital 2 years prior)my world came to an end. An older couple taking a walk down a mountain road in the Savoy State Forest (Ma.) had found my sisters naked body thrown down an embankment on the side of the road. She had been held, abused for about a week and a half( according to the coroners report), then bound gagged and shot executioners style twice in the back of the head.
That would shape the man I would become for many years and I've done many things in which I hold no pride in.It is now 26 years later and still every March I am confronted with these demons and every March I look back and remember what was taken from me and how I now have to travel this road alone and empty.
Replies
Oh wiccan, I can\'t imagine what pain this nightmare must have brought you. Your poor poor sister. I have nothing but hatred for the piece of shit who did this to her and ripped apart your family. Dumb question, but have you ever had decent counselling about this pain and grief? Not that I think any counselling could heal such pain. (((((hugs)))))
Oh my god wiccan : ( my prayers go out to you AND your sister. dheart makes a good point, have you had grief counseling? this kinda thing can lead to PTSD
(((loving hugs))))
im so sorry
Truly horrific wiccan and so so sad. God love your poor sister, she surely is at peace now. I hope you can find some peace, truly.
this makes me very sad to read.
i am so sorry for your loss will.
Truly a horrific and painful story.
I can still feel the emotions that run close to the surface.
All I can say, is that I believe you have done incrediable work with your inner self , to be able to deal with this
Hugs Wiccan. I\'m here if you need me.
not long til the 28th now, are you hanging in there dear wolf?
I just want to hold you and let you know I care..that\'s all. I am soooo sorry about your sister..I hope the man was caught? I\'m sure you feel alone..but I also believe your sister hears you and is with you.
Yes, the dates do somehow hold us captive to the pain we endure year after year, and it may never get better, your deep love for your sister will forever hold you to this yearly reminder..... It is natural to feel this way, letting intrusive thoughts and feelings grip at your heart..... Its ok..... feel the pain, cry, and allow yourself to let it all out and go....
Your sister wouldn\'t want you to suffer for her misgivings..... so be strong and make her proud of you....
I am so sorry to read this life destroying story. I do not understand this kind of evil. You have survived so much. Just keep on going, although there cannot be much that is more painful than what you have described.