Doctor...

...I finally caved and phoned a Dr today. I have an appointment on Monday at 4pm. It remains to be seen if I will actually go, or cancel it in the morning. Sounds strange, but I feel like I dont want the help... I cant explain it, I hate my life, I hate everything...but its all I have. I'm scared of what it might bring...Scared of actually heading to the Doctor...how do I even start? Im still cutting though...even now...like I need to get it all out of my system before I see the Doctor. Why can't it just stop?  Why can't I make it stop? I will let people down if I don't go...but I'm getting to the point again where I am beyond caring about anything now. I have a large Vodka in front of me.  The future will be wonderful they say...but from whose viewpoint?  Well, to the future I guess. Fuck the future, the present is where I am. And I am constantly fucking up.  Its getting to the point Im scared to do or say anything now. I really hope this doctor can help me.