DO WHAT???OUR SHOES ARE ALREADY TOO TIGHT.

As I read each of your comments to my last journal, yes it is sad that our so called friends, who we thought would be there through thick and thin deserted us in a time our heart had been totally torn out of us.  I do so believe most if not all have experienced this after the loss of our child.  As I stated in the last journal or maybe I didn't, my ex-friend still wants me to hear her pain.  I know everyone has pain, but the lost of a child/children is the upmost pain a mom can feel.  She still calls, I see her at church, but I just don't want anything to do with her.  When her ex-SIL son passed, I was sorry, she called boohooing to me..I sat and listen as she said but you don't understand, he used to play with my kids in our front yard...DO WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND!  I ended with saying Yes I lost a son...He played with your children...My child lived in my body, he played with his brothers..he was my best friend... then last year her friend lost her grandson..First thing she wanted to know if I knew her friend had lost her Grandson..I said yes, she says she will never be the same.  I said really you do remember I lost my son..Her reply but her grandson lived with her..where does she think my son lived in the streets...as far as that friend I do not know if she also deserted her or not..I don't ask.  As far as having others that understand is our mom's here and other groups like this. Sometimes and I know no one really means it but when we have been deserted by ones we thought would be there for us..deep someone we might think I wish..but then we say NO I WISH THIS ON NO ONE..The truth of it all I have come to realize, is in all of it we are each on our own to work through our pain, learn how to handle the pain in silence...I don't know if I have ever felt so alone in this phase of my life...The GREAT MOM'S here are my lifeline..I don't know if I would have harmed myself but this GROUP has helped me in ways that no one else...You know how you never hear anyone speak your child's name anymore..as time passes seems it more and more.  I know my other boys do not like me to cry but I have just decided I WILL NOT HIDE BEHIND MY MASK, I need to talk about Ken...He Lived He Loved He Gave, He Was and is Still my Child, my Son who will always be my son. Someone asked the other day "How many children do you have" For the first time sine Ken passed I hesitated.  I have always said 4 children..Now I have a different way..I say I have 4. Most will ask where do they live.  I now say Ken he lives in Heaven, and so forth where the other boys live.  PEOPLE need to know that our children were living, breathing, wonderful people that we raised, that we spent time with that we cared about...that we MISS..and yes we will Miss until we meet again...To Me losing a child is living in HELL...I have heard lonely people say this is HELL...I would take lonely anytime over my child not be here with me sharing his life.  When we got that call, or if we were there, or however we found that our child had died, we LOST US..and for me nobody is going to demand me to be who I was before.  I WAS WHO I WAS BEFORE AND I AM WHO I AM TODAY..TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT THIS IS ME.  Most of the time we mom's who walk this road and have been deserted at the times we needed them so much to just listen..as we walk this road together...and what are so called friends want to cry about, my SHOES ARE ALREADY TOO TIGHT..MY LOAD IS HEAVY. I AM WORN, I AM TIRED, I AM LONELY....I AM SAD...BUT THIS IS MY LIFE NOW WHETHER I UNDERSTAND THE REASON OR NOT THIS IS NOW WHO I AM...I have friends (all of you ) who know who understand, who will listen, and who will share their pain...I understand your pain, you understand mine...Other things just don't have the same meaning anymore..little things that other want to tell you about what is happening to them...I have found they really don't want to hear about me...and the sad thing is...WE thought they were are friends...We found out they just wanted to tell us their problems...Some may have had a friend that stayed with them through this road...but for me I haven't so I now just walk on by...iN MY MIND I THINK..YOU DIDN'T CARE WHEN I WAS AT THE END OF MY ROPE, when I searched day and not for my child, when the tears would not stop flowing, when I couldn't understand how did my heart keep beating, you walked away from me and left me alone, to deal with the death of my child alone.  I have also learned, I don't need them in my life anyway and I have found I am happy not having to listen to them whin over little things.  Don't get me wrong..there are times when we go through things before we lost our child that just seemed we could not get through it..God made us with emotions and what we or our friends or ex-friends are going through at the time is important to them...but for those who turned away from me in my darkest of dark days, when they want to complain to me about their wrinkles, or ask do I look as old as I am...I don't have time for that ...They live in a life that to me is nothing more than be selfish..They never come to me and say "How are you doing" and just listen...they might catch me that day feeling really down..but now I don't even bother with them...As you all know this pain of losing a child is the worst of worst and NO I WILL NEVER BE ALRIGHT...I MISS MY SWEET SON..I WANT TO HOLD HIM...I WANT TOMORROW TO BE ABLE TO TAKE HIM OUT FOR HIS BIRTHDAY...I WANT TO SAY FACE TO FACE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY"...BUT IF I AM ALIVE TOMORROW, I WILL SEND HIM BALLOONS INTO THE HEAVENS AND I WILL WISH HIM
 "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY WONDERFUL SON KENNY.  I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU...YOU ARE FOREVER AND A DAY MY SON.  FRIENDS OR NO FRIENDS, I HAVE MY MEMORIES, I HAVE MY TIMES OF JOY OF THOUGHT OF HIS FIRST BIRTHDAY...I LOVE YOU WITH EVERY BEING OF MYSELF...!  AS MOMMY DID TODAY SHE CALLED YOUR BROTHER AND SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM...TOMORROW I WILL SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...AS TEARS FILL MY EYES...AS MY HEART STILL BREAKS....I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU MY SON KENNY IN HEAVEN...ONE DAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER AND EVEN THOUGH I REALLY CAN'T SING AS YOUR BROTHER TOLD ME TODAY...I WILL CONTINUE TO SING LOUDLY AND HOLD YOU CLOSE....LOVE FOREVER, MOM