Do Or Die
So in true Borderline style I decided at 2am this morning that I WAS going to go back to the unit today. I'm glad I did.I used the morning catch up group to talk about why I left, how I was feeling about the ward round and why I decided to come back. I then found my key worker and met with him a bit later as he was not in the morning group. I told him what I told the others and also suggested that I cut my days from 5 to 4 in preperation for the transition into outpatients.In the afternoon I met with my therapist. Explained how I was feeling and he reassured me that they did not mean I was attention seeking. It's long winded to explain why I percieved it that way so I'll just say I understand what they meant and why they said what they did.So how am I feeling and what are my thoughts? Well the 2 main things that changed my mind and made me go back is:1) Avoiding going back wouldn't have achieved anything2) My biggest fear about opening up is that it will intensify the emotions and cause me to become really suicidal....well, I don't see much difference to how I am now anymore. I have a plan of how I would commit suicide and I'm sure I could do it. So even though I still believe it's not going to help me, I'm have nothing to lose in trying it.I feel totally worn out. Mentally and physically. This weekend I have a feeling I'm going to spend most of it sleeping.
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