Do I really make it all about me? 1/2/18

 A couple of days ago my boyfriend and I were in a bit of a discussion/argument. It should have just been a discussion, but as always, the negative voice in my head started up. I have been trying to find a way to shut this voice down at the beginning of any confrontation so that it can be a discussion with results instead of a verbal warfront. The unfortunate part is that most of the time, discussions turn into a warfront because the negative monster is out and doesn’t want to do anything to help. Most of the time discussions become how wrong I am, or how I feel about whatever is going on in my head.  (A lot of discussions end up as a warpath of tears, hurt feelings on both sides, and an inability to finish a started conversation lately, making it very difficult to have any conversations.)

Since I started my journey I have been trying to put changes into the way that I deal with things. I start most days with the mantra, ‘Today is a new day. Yesterday was NOT the worst day possible. You don’t need to be stuck in negative emotions.’ And when the day feels like it is picking on me I use it as a way to get my mind into a helpful mode, and usually it works. Though confrontation, and negativity still get me worse than anything else, nothing seems to work when these are at there worse. But lately, I have been trying to take a minute when I notice the negative voice is on, with the goal of minimizing the amount of damage that it does. So the other day we were in a sort of discussion, and I made a face because of the negative voice turning on. This time, I tried talking through the emotions that were making it hard, and then an argument ensued, which just brings out the negativity worse. I don’t remember everything that happened during this spat, but two parts stick out. First, I am stuck on this part of my development… and two, that ever fight, every spat, every time I try to figure out the feelings that make the negative mindset worse, that the entire conversation becomes all about me, and that it feels like nothing else can be done.

Does my negativity really make everything about me? How can that be when I feel like I can’t deal with it? Any suggestions on what I might be able to do?

All I know is that this isn’t working, and I don’t know what else to do.