Do I Believe what He said ???? Hmmmm... I don\'t know.. Probably NOT Really !

Wednesday Night for Me was NOT a Good Night !!!!!!!! I couldn't sleep because of the PAIN in My Knees, so I was Online for MANY Hours. As if that wasn't Bad Enough, while I was Online my curiousity got the best of Me, and I looked at My Computer's History records to see WHAT EXACTLY my BF had been doing Online lately !I ALMOST wish I hadn't looked !!!!!! What I found BROKE MY HEART, and I sat in front of the Computer crying almost constantly for Hours.... wondering WHAT - if Anything - I was going to do !I wanted to go into the Bedroom, and start YELLING AT HIM about what I had found ! BUT... I knew deep down that there was NO WAY I could do that ! IF I had, then it would be practically a guarantee that He would have flipped out at Me, and ended up Hurting Me ! So, instead I kept My Pain buried, and let Him sleep... while I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT LONG because I couldn't keep My Thoughts off of this ! WHAT DID I FIND ????? You must be wondering... Well... I'm NOT going into specifics, because doing that will just RENEW the Initial Wound finding it caused.INSTEAD, I'll just say that I found obvious evidence that He's been doing MORE than " JUST FLIRTING " Online !By " MORE " I mean He's been telling EVERY WOMAN on His Tagged.com site that He wants to have SEX with Them !Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised, since I obviously already knew that He chatted with - and messaged - a LOT of different Women Online ! BUT... to stumble upon some " actual " messages that He had sent to several different Women, was to say the LEAST upsetting !!!!! The WAY that He worded things to these Women was what hurt Me a LOT, because He'd tell each one how MUCH He wants to " BE WITH THEM ", and how " SPECIAL " they are to Him !THE FACT that He messages SEVERAL different Women Online - on His Tagged.com site - like that was BAD ENOUGH.... BUT, I found FURTHER EVIDENCE... That was that there's ONE particular Woman He's been FOCUSING ON lately !!!!! The Messages between them were VERY Specific about wanting to MEET, BE TOGETHER, AND BECOME NEW LOVERS !!!!!! I wanted to SCREAM at the Top of My voice from the PAIN in My Heart when I read the recent messages between them.... between Ray, and Elaine L. , on Tagged.com. I was so Upset that I knew there was NO WAY I could get to sleep AT ALL that night, so I stayed up till Ray - My BF - finally woke up Early Thursday Morning. I wasn't going to say ANYTHING about it to Him, because I know how He is when He first wakes up in the Morning ! So I was fighting to hold back my Pain, Frustration, and Tears. He could see that something was wrong, though. He wouldn't leave Me alone until I admitted what I had found.So I told Him how it looked to Me - obviously, and asked Him if He REALLY WANTS this Other Woman the Way He's been telling Her !?! As You can probably ALREADY guess... HE SAID " NO " ! Just like How He had awhile back said that His Tagged.com site was for " ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY ", NOW HE CLAIMED that He DIDN'T MEAN A WORD of what He said to Elaine L. in those Messages !He said that He was just " MIND FU*KING " her !!!!! He said it was just a " MIND FU*K GAME " to Him, and NOTHING MORE !I guess I'm supposed to believe this BULL !!!!! LMAO !!!!! He MUST think I'm VERY STUPID !!!!! I DON'T TRUST A DAMN WORD THAT HE SAID ! AND feeling that HE MUST have LIED OUTRIGHT to ME,HURTS ME MORE THAN I CAN EVEN DESCRIBE !!!! I want to Message " Elaine L. " on Tagged.com, and tell Her OFF !BUT... I know that won't do Me ANY GOOD AT ALL, really... because She could EASILY claim that She didn't know that He had a GF, and then HOW WOULD I KNOW IF SHE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH, OR NOT ????!!!!!The Way I see it, She could CLAIM ANYTHING, and I would have NO Real Way of knowing IF She was telling the Truth, OR NOT ! She could CLAIM that She didn't know He had a GF, just to make HERSELF seem like LESS OF A SLUT than what She's being by wanting to have SEX with a Guy Online that She BARELY KNOWS !!!!! I know, of course though, that chances are pretty good that She DOESN'T know that He has a GF. I know of Times in the Past when He's LIED about that FACT before with Other Women ONLINE ! So since He's done it before, then He's probably doing it again !BESIDES.... IF I confronted HER in a message, then I would expect someone like HER to probably FWD. the Message right to My BF - RAY, right away ! Once it got to Him, then there's no telling the amount of RAGE that He'd pour out towards Me ! There would be NO REASONING with Him, I think.... IF I messaged " Elaine L. " on Tagged.com, AND He found out ! SO WHERE DOES ALL OF THIS LEAVE ME NOW ?????I wish I knew ! ALL I know is that I'M SICK OF THIS !!!! I'M SICK OF HIS LIES... I'M SICK OF HIS DECEPTIONS... I'M SICK OF HIS RAGE ! This " Elaine L. " on Tagged.com doesn't even know the REAL RAY ! ALL She knows is the CHARMING SIDE that He knows how to lay on THICK Online ! She THINKS that's the REAL RAY ! LMAO !!!! IF - and/or - WHEN - She meets Him in Person, She'll be in for a SHOCK as soon as He lets the REAL RAY show through !I WISH I DIDN'T LOVE RAY ! Because I know from EVERYTHING He's done to Me, that deep down He really doesn't DESERVE My Love ! But... I can't seem to help it ! IF I simply HATED HIM, then things would be so much EASIER, I think ! Things would be more " cut and dry ", right now.... EVEN THOUGH, I know deep in My Heart, and Soul, that the ANSWER is in TRUTH " cut and dry " ! I know I need to " BREAK FREE " of Him - so to speak.... meaning I would NEED HIM TO PACK HIS STUFF, AND LEAVE ! I WANT TRUE HAPPINESS.... and IF NONE OF THIS GARBAGE EVER CHANGES... HOW CAN I EVER BE TRULY HAPPY ?????? I doubt I can. I wish I was a stronger Person, and NOT such a DAMN DOORMAT ! That's how I feel right now.... I feel that I've been " letting Him " use Me, and LIE to Me to cover up what He's TRULY DOING ! HE KNOWS how much I LOVE HIM, and I've even told Him many times that I DON'T want to LOSE HIM ! So WHAT DOES HE DO ?????!!!! INSTEAD OF giving Me BACK THE TRUE LOVE AND HAPPINESS I DESERVE..... INSTEAD IT SEEMS HE DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS... WHENEVER HE WANTS.... AND TO HECK WITH MY FEELINGS, BECAUSE HE FEELS I WON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.... SINCE I'VE SAID I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM !!!! IF He would just do what HE SHOULD DO, and RETURN FULLY the LOVE that I give Him, then EVERYTHING would be so much better ???! Maybe ? I don't know.... maybe even then it wouldn't, because HIS RAGE PROBLEM would STILL BE THERE ! I JUST DON'T KNOW.... I'M SO TORN AND HURT RIGHT NOW.... I JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO A DARK HOLE... AND MAYBE COME OUT THIS FALL !