Divorce Hearing

Finally, after a year of being separated from Matt, I may get my divorce this Tuesday, March 3rd. I called my lawyer last Thursday and she wasn't in. I had to leave a voice mail and I asked her to return my call. She had been out of the office for a few days. Seems she takes a lot of time out of her office. Well, Friday afternoon, I couldn't wait no longer. I called her and when she asked me if I could meet her next Tuesday morning at the parish court house. I just had one question. What time do you want me there? I am so nervous and scatterbrained. I have been having drinking dreams and dreams where we are back together. The only thing I can come up with is: those are my 2 worst fears. One, me being foolish enough to take him back. Two, me being stupid enough to go back to drinking. Either of those happen and I'm back in hell. I was in hell when I was drinking. And when I was still with him those last 3 years, I was in another kind of hell. Neither one is an option for me today. I know they are just dreams, but they seem so real at times. I find myself praying even harder for peace and serenity. I am a lot better off these days. Not only am I sober, but today, I am happy, joyous and free. Those in recovery know where I coming from. And hopefully Tuesday, I'll be even more free. And I still think about good times and bad times we've had, but I have to remember the bad times and where they led to. I'm not romancing it at all. I guess I'm still grieving the loss of my marriage. But I choose not to be miserable in my marriage. He can be as miserable as he wants, but I don't have to be miserable with him. Life's too short not to be happy. Wish me luck.