Divorce

Good Lord, how codependent can I possibly be? After years my divorce will be final this month. Even after all the terrible things that happened between us, I can't seem to completely let go of the past. All of the bad times are counter-balanced by the good in my memories. We had such a wonderful relationship early on... of course there were the typical diffulties, but there was so much love between us. Everyone said we seemed like the "perfect" couple. But, both of us had important personal issues we never addressed earlier in our lives. I faced mine though, and try to improve everyday, with varying degrees of success. I'm gay to the core, but there are so many other components of my heart. I wish I could let go of her completely, and I believe she wishes the same. There is still a twinge of pain when I see her... a lot of regret. Do you only get one shot at a "great" love? Is there just second-best after that? My feelings waver back and forth... some very progressive days... some days I slide backward.

Replies

L8bloomer
L8bloomer

I think the version of Love we get sold is only part of the story. Through my experiences, I\'ve determined that definition is inadequate. Love is too big to hold or define.

You only get one shot if you only take one shot. It\'s up to us to keep shooting. Peace to you brother. Keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight.

And congratulations on your divorce being final.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh Chuck, I think not codependent--perhaps just so very sad to say goodbye. Change, even when you know it is for the best, can be just so incredibly painful, evoking a visceral fear. You are saying goodbye to someone you love. It that is not understandable...........
What a kind and sensitive man you are. The pain almost always recedes, though.
deleted_user
deleted_user

What I can give you now is a hug and telling I understand you, standing in somewhat similar shoes, you know that.
To say goodbye is to say welcome (and vice versa), I think so. Yeah, nothing compares to what you meant for each other but why should it be differently? That only happened once. Everything else is/will be another story, another beautiful rose, another miracle...yet the same if we look at the essence, I guess.
Keep up hope, buddy, we love you :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Chuck, I remember the day I got my divorce papers to sign. I knew it was absolutely the right thing and I definately wanted and needed to be away from my wife. I didn\'t hate her or anything. In fact, on the few occasions we met face to face we got along amazingly well after we broke up. Her family apparently decided I couldn\'t leave the family whether she and I were divorced or not so I did run into her from time to time. And a few times she would ask me about the possibility of a reconciliation. Which I always told her there was no chance of. She knew I was bi at least but I guess her life went on to suck even more and she realized I\'d been doing a lot more for her than sharing the bed. But I knew the divorce was the right thing to do and was definately what I wanted. But signing those damned divorce papers was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I\'d always swore that my name would never appear on a set of them. My paernts had divorced and though I fully supported it. It was still a hard thing being the child of divorced parents. But like your kid, I was a young teen at the time and was resilient. Still like you said there were a lot of good times too and they all went through my mind as I sat there with that pen in my hand. I was really surprised how hard it was to do while knowing it was also right. I think it\'s supposed to be hard. If it weren\'t it would mean you didn\'t appreciate the good times you\'d had or the child you\'d made between you. And you should always remember those good times. But that in no way means you shouldn\'t be able to expect to go on to create and enjoy an amazing future for yourself as well. We are kinda lucky (divorced gay men), we get to have the benefit of living two lives. The one before with all it\'s happiness and sorrows and the one we are pursuing now. And it will have it\'s own happiness and sorrows, as life does. But I believe it has the potential to be amazing too. More amazing than the last one cause this time we can put everything into it without the constrictions we lived with before. But don\'t doubt yourself or your decision to reach out again and move forward. Not that many people get to say that they had the chance to live two lifetimes worth of happiness.
Never give up, no matter what! Ever!
And remember the example you set helps the rest of us to have the courage to live the life we know we want and deserve too!