dishonesty

i just wish i could be secure with my relationship. i cant be myself i cant relax i cant love her like i want to . maybe i should say screw it and be the person that i want to be even though i know it will push her away from me possibly. im really really nervous that she is going to leave me cause of what happened few weeks  back. why cant i just be content because things have gotten better.  i just really want to push her and make her talk even though she not willing to. i laugh so much when with her that i dont want to loose her. i think i have always felt nervous because of our age difference that things werent going to work and never really honestly thought it was going work for very long. i just want to relax. but i have been online and talking to other women and now feel like hell. im not a dishonest person im just so damn scared and dont want to be alone and a freaking wimp and say how i feel. i feel like a little kid with all these new emotions and feelings. think it was better when didnt allow myself to feel and kept everyone at a distance. ugh so wish was a guy