Disgust

So I had a dream. In it the abuser abused me again. I enjoyed it (hows that for a nutshell). Now I feel disgusted at myself. To find out the real reason why I don't hate the woman who did this to me. Now I know how I truly feel. I enjoyed being molested, I want, no crave for it to happen again. I am disgusting, revolting, vile, gross, perverted creep. I wish I could learn to hate her for what she did but I can't. Pitiful isn't it. What man cant feel anger, and who could possibly ever feel that way about being molested. I'm disgusting.