disengage
Disengage, disengage, disengage. Sometimes I still get confused as to what is parenting and what is controlling behavior. I don't know why I've struggled with this so much but I think I have more clarity. Part of it is the mixed messages I get from counsel and part of it I've created when I think I see a "red flag". When T started in on his drug-like behavior I found myself "investigating" to "prove" he had crossed the line. I know part of the reason is the time frame we have. If he's going to "slip" now is the time before he turns 18. His caseworker is pretty suspicious of him and reminds him of these things. Even when I report that he's made improvement - she always doubts he's come around. The assistant principal will call me when T does something in school and reports "he's still hanging out with the same crowd" and the counselor comes to our house is always telling me how good he is at getting his daughter to do her homework. Even his private counselor suggested that I search his room since I had some suspicions - yet he's the one now telling me to disengage - which I agree is the correct thing to do. I know I've said I've made process in this department before but I guess I'm human and will fall back into old patterns. The counselor that comes to our home told me today that I am way too hard on myself. Perhaps so but I need to be in order to improve. I want a better relationship with T. Although things had improved the last few months - this latest incident brought us right back where to where we were. I don't want our relationship to be like my father's is to my brother. My brother, 40, is a recovering alcoholic, is married, has a home, works and doesn't drink - yet my father is still trying to control him and the decisions he makes. Everything my brother does is wrong. Now they are not speaking. I don't want tha t at all with my son.
Replies
OK, \"T\" is still at home and not 18....you do have a need to know if he is using especially if it means you can intervene before 18. If you were to do a room search, do it with him present. The odds are any drugs are else where. So, if no drugs are found are you really relieved given the other behaviors and if drugs are found....then what -- especially if he does not want treatment?! It sounds like everyone is on the same page ... suspicious. Perhaps, all you can do is expect him to participate in the routines at home and school and keep the boundaries in place (checking in, home at a given time....).
You are not your father and my guess is that you will accept and love T no matter where he\'s \"at\". That does not mean that you will condone substance abuse.....at some point he will have to be accountable to himself. I hope you that you will find peace and the appropriate boundaries for yourself so that you do not enable the behaviors that are counterproductive to his becoming an independent/responsible adult. No easy task.....hard not to second guess yourself. I think that you cannot make him change only provide the guardrails that keep him from going off the road and hope that these are strong enough.
Take Care!!!!