disengage

Disengage, disengage, disengage.  Sometimes I still get confused as to what is parenting and what is controlling behavior.  I don't know why I've struggled with this so much but I think I have more clarity.  Part of it is the mixed messages I get from counsel and part of it I've created when I think I see a "red flag".  When T started in on his drug-like behavior I found myself "investigating" to "prove" he had crossed the line.  I know part of the reason is the time frame we have.  If he's going to "slip" now is the time before he turns 18.  His caseworker is pretty suspicious of him and reminds him of these things.  Even when I report that he's made improvement - she always doubts he's come around.  The assistant principal will call me when T does something in school and reports "he's still hanging out with the same crowd" and the counselor comes to our house is always telling me how good he is at getting his daughter to do her homework.  Even his private counselor suggested that I search his room since I had some suspicions - yet he's the one now telling me to disengage - which I agree is the correct thing to do.  I know I've said I've made process in this department before but I guess I'm human and will fall back into old patterns.  The counselor that comes to our home told me today that I am way too hard on myself.  Perhaps so but I need to be in order to improve.  I want a better relationship with T.  Although things had improved the last few months - this latest incident brought us right back where to where we were.  I don't want our relationship to be like my father's is to my  brother.  My brother, 40, is a recovering alcoholic, is married, has a home, works and doesn't drink - yet my father is still trying to control him and the decisions he makes.  Everything my brother does is wrong.  Now they are not speaking.  I don't want tha t at all with my son.